Hope Rides Alone

Overwhelmed and unsettled by my productivity now that I'm on meds. I had one of the worst days of my life three days ago and yet today I had the energy to do chores, my taxes, post a fic, and run an errand.

This isn't me trying to brag I'm just like, wondering wtf I'll be capable of in another 6 months. Or whenever quarantine ends, what I'll be capable of then. Maybe I can just ... go out to bars with friends now? Network? Navigate the SDCC dealer's hall?

Thinking big here, but maybe next time I see a person who is cool and pretty I will be capable of telling them that to their face right then and there, without being inebriated or crying!

I've said it before but you know that bit in Naruto where the guy with the eyebrows takes off the weights and just goes like ridiculous with all his power? That's what this is like. It's both cool and unsettling.

The fact that "social distancing" is actually impacting me is a strange thing to realize. Just a few years ago, it wouldn't have at all. I was very isolated, I wasn't reaching out, I had few friends out here. The work of years has gotten me to a point with regular socializing.

I have events I wanted to go to, with friends, that are now cancelled. And that's disappointing to me.
A few years ago that would have been ... almost an alien concept.

I'm hardly going out every weekend with loads of people, but I've found a few things I enjoy, a couple small groups I like spending time with at events. That's big for me.

Today marks the two year anniversary of my finally accepting the reality of things and settling down with "asexual."
I feel so much better for it. It was a frustrating process and I'm glad to be on the other side of it.

I know labels aren't for everyone, but I find them comforting for myself and my identity. I need an anchor to tether me.

Bit fuzzy on the gender thing lately. The prospect of yet another lengthy journey of self-discovery just exhausts me at this point. "None gender, left female" kinda started as a joke but that feels more right than wrong. So does "agender" and so does "demigirl."

Not sure how much of my gender presentation is tangled up with having to present uncomfortably femme at work, overall societal pressures, my hormone imbalance, and who I actually am as a person deep down.
It increasingly feels like a costume I put on for others' benefit.

Anyways, happy Coming Out Day to everyone, to those that are safe and able to come out today and those that can't. To those that can't, be safe and well. "Coming out" is something for your own personal benefit, not anyone else, and not the pressures of a holiday.

Went to my first LARP last night! 

I was SUPER nervous, and fortunately hadn't had time to be nervous right up until the day of, because I've been so busy at work I haven't had the brainspace to be anxious. 

But oh wow yesterday I was nervous. I felt like I was gonna be sick. I was worried about my outfit, my hair, my face. I was about to meet a load of strangers and I very vaguely knew one person there. I'd never been in a LARP before. It was downtown and in an apartment building. I was also worried because there's a ton of lore, my brain was crammed with stuff for my job, and I was nervous about some of the ... issues VtM can attract. 

Everyone was super nice! I was very scared at first but gradually started to relax. It was apparently a pretty slow night, which everyone kept apologizing to me for, but hey, I think that made for a great first game, not so overcrowded and busy as it might have been. 

I still feel pretty overwhelmed by all the lore and people, but I'll get the hang of it. Fortunately I was matched up with a guy who's a very experienced player and he guided me around and introduced me. My role was as this high up Ventrue's bloodline cousin recently escaping from the chaos in Germany because of this war between the Brujah and Ventrue. So that's a lot, but meant I came in with status and an important connection. I really wasn't feeling hopeful about playing a Ventrue but I had a great time, it was a good choice for a first timer, I'm glad the game orientation person slotted me in there. 

Got an Ominous Warning from a spooky guy, still not sure if it was a threat, very gruff advice, or an attempt to try and get hired that I completely missed during the game. I'd spent most of the night wondering if he was the type of player who plays assholes because he's an asshole, and during our conversation I broke and he cracked up before we got back into character, so that was good to find out that he's not actually an asshole. 

Hoping to learn more lore and catch up on things. Apparently I'd done more prep than people usually do, which was nice to hear, I was convinced I didn't do nearly enough prep at all. 

I'm VERY excited for more! I'm really proud of myself, getting out there and pushing myself to try new things and meet new people, even if I'm super anxious beforehand. The more I do this the easier it'll get. 

Note to self though ... don't even try with heels next time. It does fit the character but all that standing for hours, not gonna work in heels. It hurt even in the flats I wore after the heels. 

 
Better dust off this blog and make things presentable! 

I've backed up my tumblr, but it was the WHOLE tumblr, which was over 77,000 posts (included all those reblogs.) I'm working on getting the python coding to work so I can pull specific tags, otherwise it'll be quite the lengthy process. I've been meaning for years to crosspost here more often, or go back and copy/paste my original posts to here. And I kept putting it off and putting it off, and now I'm paying for it. 

But don't worry, I'm here, and on twitter, and AO3, and discord, and I'm safe, and my stuff is backed up. I'm going to focus on making sure I have the contact info of people I met on tumblr, and trying to get more specific python coding information so I can get the specific tags backed up in a more organized fashion. 

Please please please, take the time to backup your tumblrs! They're flagging everything, and this seems like another Strikethrough but so much worse.

With the holidays, my job, and now this, I don't know how much new content I'll be posting here in the short term. But I will be updating more frequently in the new year. Ideally, my tumblr survives, and I have time to go back through and copy/paste old text posts of mine to here. Those will be marked and dated with the original posted date and context as best I can. 

This is small in the grand scheme of things but a few weeks ago I had this weird block in my head that I couldn't leave for a walk because "what if my boss calls" and I've been going on walks almost every day and I feel so much better.

For the first time in my life, I've gotten a security deposit back.

 
Finally got one of my old friends who moved out here in November and has been lonely, to a game night, due to scheduling woes it's been so long, and she was SO happy, and I missed her a lot, and tonight was a good. I'm sometimes so amazed I have friends I can spend an evening with and play board games with and just have a great time with like this. 

Got to see our old roommate too, for the first time in a while, missed her a lot.

Just, a really great evening with old friends and new friends : D

Got to be brain twins with a girl during Codenames and that was really fun!

Leaving, I was stuck in a parking spot for a bit and my roommate had to talk me through it. I didn't cry or panic. A few years ago I woulda panicked. 

A lovely end to a productive and chill weekend. 

Came out to my mom today, for the second time. Went pretty well.

She wants me to be happy and is glad I'm comfortable talking to her about this stuff. Even if she did say some of the standard things I'd been preparing for, she means well. I'm very fortunate, wish some of my friends had a mom like her.

I now identify as asexual.

For the past year and a half or so, I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection and research. I’ve talked to some very helpful people, strangers, new friends, old friends. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve dragged my feet. I’ve hit mental roadblocks over and over again. I’ve challenged myself to try and rattle my sexuality around in a variety of ways. I’ve cried. I’ve made lists and charts. I’ve taken quizzes. I’ve done a lot of reading. I’ve had late night identity crises.

I'm ace. I’m still bi, I’m just biromantic. I’m not entirely sure of the nitty gritty specifics, or what that will mean for me in the future. But for now, this is what feels right.