Hope Rides Alone

My cat Emmaline died tonight. I couldn't be there, I live several states away and she's back home with my mom and stepdad. My mom called me and held the phone up to her so I could try to say goodbye. I hope she knew it was my voice.

I adopted her when I was 8, I think. She was 12 or 13 tonight, which is a pretty good long life for a cat. She'd only been really sick recently, last summer she'd been lethargic and we found out she was diabetic, so we started giving her insulin and stuff and she got much better and had more energy again. This Christmas break she didn't have much energy, but she cuddled with me a lot.

I knew she was getting older and I knew this day would come. But I didn't want to think about it. And I thought at least that I'd get to say goodbye. The other day my mom called and said she wasn't eating and that I should come home on Friday to be there when we put her down. I sobbed and cried and hugged my boyfriend through the board meeting for a film club I'm in. Then an hour later my mom called and said the cat was eating again. So I thought she was doing better. Tonight, she wasn't, and she was in pain and stuff and so the vet said it was the right choice and it wouldn't be good to make her wait. So I couldn't come home and say goodbye.

I mean, maybe it's a little better? That I didn't see her like that, and cry all over her, and stress her out and confuse her then? I mean my mom and stepdad were hugging her and my mom was crying a lot, I heard that over the phone, but still, maybe me being there would have made it worse?

I wish I had been able to say goodbye properly though.

She was a really good cat. She comforted me when I was feeling bad, cuddled me when I was sick or sad or scared. She'd sit on me when I was at the computer, stamping on the keyboard, and more recently, she'd shove my macbook aside and claim my lap for her own. She loved sitting in front of the sliding glass door and watching the birdfeeders. She liked watching movies with me, though mostly she ignored them and just slept curled up on my lap. When I was younger she'd sleep in the middle of my bed, forcing me to the sides. She'd climb up on the edge of the tub and sit between the shower curtains when I took a shower, I think she liked the sound or something because she didn't like the water at all.

When I was little and going to adopt a cat, the cat I'd wanted was already taken. I sat and cried, and then a volunteer came in and put this adorable orange kitty on my lap. She stared up at me with these golden eyes and I sobbed harder and I knew she was the one.

She was a wonderful companion and I will miss her so much.

I was sorting through my clothes and watching old episodes of Brows Held HIgh and the cat came up, sprawled out on the bed, and stared at the screen. It was adorable. I would have taken a picture but I couldn't find the camera.