Crying over a Sherlock Fic
Feb. 3rd, 2012 04:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aunt_zeldaSo, I've cried over fanfics before. We all have. Some of them are just so sad you can't help it. Sometimes a little tearing up, sometimes a lot of sniffling, sometimes a couple tears ... and sometimes lots of sobbing like you just felt a piece of your soul die and yet you were grateful for the experience because DAYUM that was some fantastic writing!
Most of the ones I've cried over were deathfics, scattered over various fandoms. I remember some particularly good Doctor/Master fics, a haunting Heroes fic where Sylar and Mohinder were old indeed, and some fics from the Treehouse that hit me right THERE and make me break me down. Self-harm in a fic is another thing that'll usually make me cry, especially if it's a friend finding out that their friend is self-harming. I hate that I can recognize what those scars mean when I see them on someone in real life, it makes me so worried for my friends, and how I can't just hug them and make it all better.
So, Sherlock. I've been lurking in the fandom, mostly the Kink Meme, and peering at the tumblrs in confusion, trying to figure out yet another social network and avoiding getting an account. One of the tumblrs is the Sherlock Fandom Rules. It's a good one, check it out.
Then I saw this post today ... and I decided to check out the fic the secret references. Like a fool.NEVER DECIDE TO JUST 'CHECK OUT' AN INFAMOUS FANFIC WHAT DID YOU JOIN THE WORLD OF FANDOM YESTERDAY ZELDA? *SLAPS SELF UPSIDE THE HEAD*
I was curious. I wanted to see what it was. At first I thought I was doing ok ... sure I was tearing up a little but I'd expected that, right, I could handle this, it was really well written and so good and ... and ... and ...
And then I was SOBBING. Like, so much crying I couldn't see my laptop screen anymore. This was intense crying. I hurt in my soul. It dredged up all these feelings about my Nana, who died almost two years ago, and Sir Terry Pratchett and what he's said about choosing to die, and ... I just HURT in my soul and there was so much crying ...
Yeah. That was a damn good fic. Just be warned, if you're going to read it, that it's going to hurt you emotionally. Don't just read it on a whim.
Most of the ones I've cried over were deathfics, scattered over various fandoms. I remember some particularly good Doctor/Master fics, a haunting Heroes fic where Sylar and Mohinder were old indeed, and some fics from the Treehouse that hit me right THERE and make me break me down. Self-harm in a fic is another thing that'll usually make me cry, especially if it's a friend finding out that their friend is self-harming. I hate that I can recognize what those scars mean when I see them on someone in real life, it makes me so worried for my friends, and how I can't just hug them and make it all better.
So, Sherlock. I've been lurking in the fandom, mostly the Kink Meme, and peering at the tumblrs in confusion, trying to figure out yet another social network and avoiding getting an account. One of the tumblrs is the Sherlock Fandom Rules. It's a good one, check it out.
Then I saw this post today ... and I decided to check out the fic the secret references. Like a fool.
I was curious. I wanted to see what it was. At first I thought I was doing ok ... sure I was tearing up a little but I'd expected that, right, I could handle this, it was really well written and so good and ... and ... and ...
And then I was SOBBING. Like, so much crying I couldn't see my laptop screen anymore. This was intense crying. I hurt in my soul. It dredged up all these feelings about my Nana, who died almost two years ago, and Sir Terry Pratchett and what he's said about choosing to die, and ... I just HURT in my soul and there was so much crying ...
Yeah. That was a damn good fic. Just be warned, if you're going to read it, that it's going to hurt you emotionally. Don't just read it on a whim.
I need to go watch some cutesy tv, or listen to a comforting audiobook. Or something.
On a lighter note, Vixy and Tony covered "Red Right Hand" by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds! And that is just plain AWESOME!
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no subject
Date: 2012-02-03 10:35 pm (UTC)Edit
*a couple of minutes later*
Wow...this is really depressing. Usually I never bothered to read the Sherlock Holmes books or watch the movies. Because to be honest he was never really one of my favorite literary characters. But the way this person wrote this story is so beautiful and heartfelt, you really can feel the friendship, love and pain these characters go through when one of thier own is about to die. :(
I mean, I didn't flat out cry, but I was just reading in shocked stunned...silence.
The writer really is talented.
Gorgeously talented if you don't mind me saying so aunt_zelda.
no subject
Date: 2012-02-04 12:46 am (UTC)No no, it's not that it's a BAD fic, it's that it's a REALLY GOOD DEATHFIC THAT MADE ME CRY!
Usually I never bothered to read the Sherlock Holmes books or watch the movies. Because to be honest he was never really one of my favorite literary characters.
Awww, babe, you're missing out! The newer movies with RDJ and Jude Law are just fun action movies packed with HoYay, the BBC show is FANTASTIC OH MY GOD YOU HAVE TO SEE IT, and the books are pretty fun too. Not everyone's cup of tea, but worth checking out. And "A Study in Emerald" by Neil Gaiman is a glorious thing indeed. And "Professor Moriarty: Hound of the D'Urbervilles" is one of my favorite books ever because it's the like the Sherlock stories but Moran and Moriarty doing crimes and being badass and hilarious and wonderful and ...
... honestly, check out the BBC show if you get the chance, it's really awesome, I cannot recommend it enough.
But the way this person wrote this story is so beautiful and heartfelt, you really can feel the friendship, love and pain these characters go through when one of thier own is about to die. :(
It was just so real. So horribly real. *wibbles*
The writer really is talented.
Gorgeously talented if you don't mind me saying so aunt_zelda.
They certainly are, of course I don't mind you saying so! That person deserves ... I don't know, do they make an award for "making a bunch of people on the internet cry and give thanks for having their soul stomped on" or something?
Wondering if I can leave them a comment on ff.net, I don't think I have an ff.net account ...
no subject
Date: 2012-02-03 10:44 pm (UTC)If you want something up-cheering, go read the author's other Sherlock works. I think you'd love Performance in a Leading Role. And her piece The Blog of Eugenia H Watson is adorable. =)
Sorry to dump all of this in this comment
Date: 2012-02-04 01:03 am (UTC)Some people are actually quite cynical about it, which I guess happens when something raches a critical mass of popularity
What? *eyeroll* I hate that. I mean, just because a lot of people say it's cool doesn't suddenly make it overrated.
but I cried so much, and I am not even a little bit ashamed. Just... the "I don't want to leave you" bit... ;_;
*hugs you* Oh god, I know ... that part just ran me through the chest and finished me off completely at that point.
The part where they talked about not telling Sherlock's mother struck a personal chord with me, though. Two years ago, my Nana had cancer and wasn't talking about it much, everyone thought she was having treatments and doing fine. Then summer came, and my dad went to visit her, and she was in a really bad way. She'd fall down and be unable to get back up. He stayed with her for weeks, all the while she was begging him not to tell anyone, not his siblings, not her partner/boyfriend (basically her husband in everything but legal terms for the past couple of decades) who lived across town, nobody. Finally he convinced her to let him tell his sisters, and they came to help (my dad was in such a state at this point, it was horrible when he came back home and told me about this) and then he had help, and she died a week later.
I went with my dad to her memorial service thing later that summer, and it was clear from all the people who spoke at the service that nobody had any idea how sick she'd been. Not the people who'd worked with her for decades at the college, not her friends of 60+ years, nobody. The worst was seeing Ed, her partner/boyfriend. I'd never seen someone in so much pain before. During the service I started crying because of how upset everyone else was. I was mad that she'd put everyone through this, that she hadn't told ANYONE, that mot people had no idea that she was dying until the announcement was made.
After the service my dad and I went to her house and started to sort through some of her stuff (which is the most horrific experience I've ever had, going through a dead person's belongings. You just feel so ... wrong, like they're gonna walk in any second and berate you for messing up their bookcase or something.) I was going through her books and found one that a fellow professor had given her in June, with a note in the cover saying how he was looking forward to spending time with her and cheerfully asking what she was getting up to lately. I saw that guy talk at her service: he didn't have a clue what had been going on. She didn't tell this guy she'd known for decades.
I ... I still have issues with all of this this. And this fic dredged some of them up. While it made sense for Sherlock to conduct himself like that, I can't justify what my Nana did to the people in her life, during her final months. Part of it was denial, I'm sure, but I'm still so angry at her. All those people who never really got to say goodbye, or offer support, or anything.
Yeah, whooo, that was a lot, sorry for that. I just had to get that out, that fic made me think about this all over again and it still hurts and I'm angry and sad and confused and ...
That was a good fic. Just brought up some sad memories for me.
Re: Sorry to dump all of this in this comment
Date: 2012-02-04 04:05 am (UTC)Oh, man, what a crappy thing to have sprung on you. I mean, I know that we all wish that we lived our lives so fully and lovingly that there wouldn't be anything we'd regret if we were to suddenly die, but that's just not how it works a lot of the time, and not having a chance to hug someone you love once more, or tell them how much they mean to you... That's really sad.
As an aside, I'm getting the impression that you read this fic on ff.net, so I'm going to provide you with a link to where it's posted on Livejournal so that you can leave them a comment if you'd like. Also, the author's masterlist for her Sherlock fic is here. <3
no subject
Date: 2012-02-04 04:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-04 05:23 am (UTC)You can hear a pretty long clip of it on their website here: http://vixyandtony.com/music.html
There are videos of them playing the complete song at cons on youtube, but the sound quality isn't too good, like here, where they're playing with a band and all dressed steampunky: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8Y5DuffmzE
It's a very ... different version of the song. I really like it for different reasons than the original. You might despise it or love it or just go "meh." I'm interested to hear your reaction!
no subject
Date: 2012-02-07 05:01 pm (UTC)I'm gonna sound like ATG but I didn't cry either. It was sad, but I didn't really cry.
no subject
Date: 2012-02-14 05:24 am (UTC)lol, sorry, but I always love seeing people's reactions to that fic. (And about damn time you found it - at this point, I think it should be illegal for BBC Sherlock fans to not read it at some point.) XD
But yeah, that fic was the closest that I've ever gotten to actually crying over. Then again, it's the reason that I just love it so much! 8'D