Worst (A Dark Doctor/Master Fic)

[aunt_zelda]

Title: Worst

Author: me, aunt_zelda

Rating: R, for implied … stuff.

Spoilers: Up through SoD.

Summary: An insight to the Doctor’s mind during The Year that Never Was.

A/N: I have a disturbing mind. *slinks away in shame* This is part of my ‘One Year Anniversary’ posting extravaganza.

 

 

 

The worst part isn’t the handcuffs, the blindfold, or the nakedness.

It’s not the cold, or the indignity, or the helplessness.

It isn’t the music thumping far off down the hall, where he know Lucy has squirreled herself away, listening to Death Metal to drown out the noise she knows, as he knows, is going to start any minute now.

 

“You’ve been a very bad boy, haven’t you, Theta? Blew up our home …”

 

That cold, psychotic voice … the corruption of Koschei standing above him … that isn’t the worst part either.

 

“I hope you don’t mind, I used the freak as a warm-up …”

 

Even that’s not the worst part. (There is a chance that Jack actually enjoyed that, after all.)

 

“I’m looking forward to making you scream, Doctor …”

 

The oncoming pain isn’t the worst part, nor the soreness and humiliation that will surely follow, or the lingering itchiness (because he severely doubts he’ll be allowed a shower.)

 

No, the worst part is that he wants this.

 

Somewhere, deep down, under his flippant, laughing, cheerful exterior, he aches for this.

 

That’s why he’s been borderline-careless since the Master’s ‘death’ along with all the other Time Lords. Without yang, yin goes berserk. The Doctor had had no one to anchor him, no one to tie him down and beat his sense-of-self back into him.

 

In short, there had been no one to punish him.

 

And now, after the Time War, he needs that punishment even more desperately. He needs someone to tell him what he did and hate him for it.

 

Everywhere he goes, he’s revered and loved. The Doctor that destroyed his home planet, committed genocide to the highest degree, that Doctor is never seen.

 

Until now.

 

He confessed. He’s been judged by the only person left to judge him.

 

Now he’s going to suffer the consequences of his actions.

 

And he wants to.

 

 

Comments

[annwnrho.livejournal.com]

Ohh nice. I think that's something thats really noticable between nine/ten and the other pre war doctors this desire to really hurt themselves. You really see it in Daleks in Manhatten or Evolution whichever one he was screaming to be killed in.

I love the idea of the Master/ Doctor being yin and yang and both needing each other as a cosmic balance.
The repetition of style in this is lovely how you go through the things it's not before reaching what is the worst thing as you really create a sense that the Doctor's appalled by himself but at the same time still needing it.
My favourite line still is "the corruption of Koschei standing above him" brillaint.
Looking forward to seeing more fic from you. I hope that you're magazine goes ok I did a magazine when I was at school and It takes up so much time.
Congratualations on your anniversary (sends Doctor cake with one fizzy candle -it tastes like whatever you imagine it tastes like) Also love the layout! ;)

[aunt-zelda.livejournal.com]

Ohh nice.
Oh, why thank you!

You really see it in Daleks in Manhatten or Evolution whichever one he was screaming to be killed in.
That'd be Evolution, I think, that's they one where he struck the Jesus-pose and demanded to be killed. Everything else in that two-parter sucked (ok, the song-and-dance was fun, and the Doctor striding across the theater seats was pretty damn cool, but the latter ties into this) but that part where the Doctor is fully-prepared to give it all up ... WOW. That TERRIFIED me.

I love the idea of the Master/ Doctor being yin and yang and both needing each other as a cosmic balance.
That's what they are! One without the other = the universe goes 'splody. That's why they always gravitate towards each other, they NEED the connection and the dance and the challenge, it's something they can't get anywhere else.

The repetition of style in this is lovely how you go through the things it's not before reaching what is the worst thing as you really create a sense that the Doctor's appalled by himself but at the same time still needing it.
*grinz* I am EVIL sometimes. It's fun.

My favourite line still is "the corruption of Koschei standing above him" brillaint.
Thank you! I am very proud of that bit ... like I'm proud of the sadistic buttons in that other fic ...

Looking forward to seeing more fic from you. I hope that you're magazine goes ok I did a magazine when I was at school and It takes up so much time.
I've lost the folder that had the third draft of a fic in it ... damn! I CLEANED trying to find it! I may end up having to improvise if I wanna get it posted tonight ...
Yes, magazines are ... ugh. This is going to be a terror. AGAIN.

Congratualations on your anniversary (sends Doctor cake with one fizzy candle -it tastes like whatever you imagine it tastes like) Also love the layout! ;)
*beams* Thank you! It's amazing that a YEAR has gone by! I mean ... WOW ... that really flew! How I've GROWN as a fic writer! *preens*
Yay for cake! *eats* Peach ... maybe ...
I love this layout too!

[vail-kagami.livejournal.com]

So much truth in here. I think the Doctor is really longing for someone to punish him for his crimes, and before that happens he'll never find peace. The Master, as the only other Time Lord remaining, was the only one who could pusnish him, the only one who had a right to and really knew what for. But the Master, of all people, didn't care, I think. He was never very fond of Gallifrey and the one thing that bothered him about it's destruction was that he couldn't do it himself. So he might punish the Doctor, but not for the right reasons, which doesn't actually help.
Oh, great fic, by the way!

[aunt-zelda.livejournal.com]

The Master, as the only other Time Lord remaining, was the only one who could pusnish him, the only one who had a right to and really knew what for. But the Master, of all people, didn't care, I think. He was never very fond of Gallifrey and the one thing that bothered him about it's destruction was that he couldn't do it himself. So he might punish the Doctor, but not for the right reasons, which doesn't actually help.
Just because the Master was never really fond of Gallifrey doesn't mean he wouldn't be shaken/upset/angry/horrified even, that his HOME WORLD was wiped out of existence by the guy who is all about SAVING things. I don't think even the MASTER was aspiring to mass-genocide, ya know? Tormenting the Doctor? Yes. Destroying humans? Yes. Killing Companions to get the Doctor all to himself? Yes. But I don't think he'd ever really consider blasting his own SPECIES into oblivion, no matter how annoying they got.
He'd punish the Doctor just for the sake of hurting him, though. I totally agree with that, because the Master just enjoys fucking with the Doctor, in any connotation of that word.

Oh, great fic, by the way!
Hee hee, thank you very much! I love to get sidetracked by philosophical ranty-rants ... please continue!

[vail-kagami.livejournal.com]

I don't agree with that, because in The Deadly Asassin at least the Master actively tried to destroy Gallifrey. He's wiped out a good part of the universe in Logopolis and while he didn't do that on purpose He also didn't seem very bothered by it. Still I suspect the Doctor comiting genocide on their own species came as some sort of a shock.
Tormenting the Doctor just for the sake of it: Very true.

[aunt-zelda.livejournal.com]

I don't agree with that, because in The Deadly Asassin at least the Master actively tried to destroy Gallifrey.
Oh, he did? *hasn't seen much Old Who and thus attempts hari-kari with a sonic screwdriver quite often these days* Was there any specific reason why?

He's wiped out a good part of the universe in Logopolis and while he didn't do that on purpose He also didn't seem very bothered by it.
Well, it wasn't a part that he was particularly attached to, I suppose ... plus the Doctor didn't die, so I guess he viewed it as a win ...

Still I suspect the Doctor comiting genocide on their own species came as some sort of a shock.
Oh, definitely. He probably spent WEEKS musing on that after he'd taken control of Earth ...

Tormenting the Doctor just for the sake of it: Very true.
Yeppers! I think his mad-schemes were a kind of child-like way of saying 'Look at me! Look at me!' but from across the universe instead of in an elementary school ...

[yo-mawari.livejournal.com]

This is great!

I love the comparison between Doctor/Master and Yin/Yang, mainly because its so true. That last line is dark, disturbing and perfect.

[aunt-zelda.livejournal.com]

Oh thank you! *excited by praise from a Doctor/Master author such as yourself*

I love the comparison between Doctor/Master and Yin/Yang, mainly because its so true.
It so is! It goes along with my belief that you can't have good without evil, because without evil you can't tell WHAT good is. Which is why we have the Master, to counter the Doctor.

That last line is dark, disturbing and perfect.
*GRINZ insanely* Thank you very much!

[bewarethespork.livejournal.com]

Nngh. That is good angst. Fantastic angst. The best sort there is. Deliciously dark, and hauntingly realistic. <3.

[aunt-zelda.livejournal.com]

*blushes and BEAMS* Thank you ohsovery much! Angst is ... fun, in a scary sort of way. You're surprised what you can churn out, ya know?

[bewarethespork.livejournal.com]

You're welcome! Angst is scarily easy to write for me. (Have you read any of my fic? I don't think I've ever written a purely happy piece, or at least, certainly not in this fandom.)

[aunt-zelda.livejournal.com]

I can't recall if I've read any of your fics ... I don't THINK so ...
Writing happy Doctor/Master is difficult ... it's much easier to write them angsting and crying and the Master dub-conning the Doctor or the Doctor going all pyscho on the Master and ... yeah. Writing happy endings is harder, and some of us simply don't have the time ...
Besides, it's fun to torture the boys ... they're so CUTE!

[bewarethespork.livejournal.com]

Well, you can find them all under my fic tag, if you're interested. It's mostly Ten/Martha, though there's some other stuff there too.

Doctor/Master is the original angst!ship. And it's awesome. ^.^

[aunt-zelda.livejournal.com]

I don't think Ten/Martha would work. Martha totally digs him, but Ten is just ... didn't get it until it was too late, and he felt awful, but Martha isn't the pining-schoolgirl anymore, she's a badass. Her time with the Doctor made Martha MARTHA. I just don't view it as a romantic thing.
Sorry ... I get a bit ranty when I've had a bad morning ... anyhoodle I shall peruse your fics ... when I have a spare moment. Which, very likely, won't be for the next two weeks ... sorry!

Doctor/Master is the original angst!ship. And it's awesome. ^.^
Yes and yes!

(Your icon ... bahaha! I love his 'ooops! I just did a VERY bad thing ... but the fangirls still love me, hah!' face.)

[bewarethespork.livejournal.com]

Well, all my Ten/Martha is either one-sided or set post-S3 (but before we knew anything about S4). Anyway, it's not like they're compulsory reading or anything, but yeah, if you get time, I'd really like to know what you think of them. ^.^

Simm!Master's facial expressions are possibly one of the coolest things ever. ^.^ *Needs more Simm!Master icons*

[aunt-zelda.livejournal.com]

I'll definately check out your stuff ... but not now, and probably not within the next two weeks. Magazine compiling and such ... *winces*

Simm!Master's facial expressions are possibly one of the coolest things ever. ^.^ *Needs more Simm!Master icons*
I have none! *still needs a DW icon*

[bewarethespork.livejournal.com]

Haha, don't worry, real life always takes precedence over fannish stuff. ^.^

Yes, you do need a DW icon! *Uses one of hers to compensate*

[aunt-zelda.livejournal.com]

Haha, don't worry, real life always takes precedence over fannish stuff. ^.^
Yeah, sleep, food, and face-to-face friends must trump LJ. I wish I knew a lot of the people I 'know' on LJ in real life, because then I'd spend less time on LJ ...

Yes, you do need a DW icon! *Uses one of hers to compensate*
John Smith makes me wanna cry. He MADE me cry, in that flash-forward of his human life and such ... *wibbles* I'm gonna go off and bounce about how happy I am that I got the first copy of the literary magazine out today! Yahoo!

[bewarethespork.livejournal.com]

Well, food and face-to-face friends, maybe, but sleep? Surely not! ^.~

Eeek! *Uses happy icon instead*

[aunt-zelda.livejournal.com]

Hee hee, well, once you're awake sleep it optional, especially when you hit two in the morning and feel that you can go on and on and ON ... and then start doing silly things and getting sidetracked ... yeah, once I can't concentrate I go to bed, even if I don't feel tired ...

Yes, the Human-Nature-Family-of-Blood two-parter made me SOB. It was ... awful and wonderful, if that makes ANY sense WHATSOEVER.
(Yay for happy icon! *beams at James Bond Doctor*)

[bewarethespork.livejournal.com]

I go to bed after two almost every morning, so I know what you mean. ^.^

I know what you mean about that, too. ^.^

[aunt-zelda.livejournal.com]

I go to bed after two almost every morning, so I know what you mean. ^.^
Now that school is almost over, I can stay up late-late again! Yahoo!

I know what you mean about that, too. ^.^
*huggles John Smith, Joan, and the Doctor respectfully*

[gestalt1.livejournal.com]

*purrrrrrrrr*

[aunt-zelda.livejournal.com]

Uh ... ok, I didn't expect that kind of response, but whatever floats your TARDIS ...
Thanks for reading!

[prettyarbitrary.livejournal.com]

Well, LJ wasn't letting me comment on your second Academy-fic *death-glare at LJ*, but maybe it'll let me comment on this one.

I love this! Short, sweet, and to the point. Well. Sweet in a manner of speaking, anyway.

You really nailed the self-hatred there, I think. The Doctor's been frantic about what he did ever since he first turned up and met Rose, and the only time he's ever been able to address it calmly was when he was talking to the Master--because it's only the Master who could give him what he needed. A second opinion, if you will ;), but more properly judgment.

And of course it's true that they're opposites--counterparts, really, neither quite complete without the other. I like that you point out it's something that goes back much further than the Time War, although certainly that has become part of it. What you brush up against here that I adore is that at the end of the Time War, they switched roles: it was the Master who ran, who became human and rescued people, while the Doctor committed double genocide and got the blood on his hands. And I don't think either of them can entirely get over that.

[aunt-zelda.livejournal.com]

Well, LJ wasn't letting me comment on your second Academy-fic *death-glare at LJ*, but maybe it'll let me comment on this one.
Oh my, I'm sorry ... dunno why that's happening ...

I love this! Short, sweet, and to the point. Well. Sweet in a manner of speaking, anyway.
*blinkblink* Everyone has had such interesting reactions to this fic ...

You really nailed the self-hatred there, I think.
Thank you!

The Doctor's been frantic about what he did ever since he first turned up and met Rose, and the only time he's ever been able to address it calmly was when he was talking to the Master--because it's only the Master who could give him what he needed. A second opinion, if you will ;), but more properly judgment.
That's exactly what I meant! (Yay!) Yes, Rose, nor any other human, could ever fully understand the Doctor. Nobody can, except the Master.

And of course it's true that they're opposites--counterparts, really, neither quite complete without the other.
That's why there is NO DOUBT that the Master is coming back. Without him to balance out the Doctor, the universe would prematurely implode.

I like that you point out it's something that goes back much further than the Time War, although certainly that has become part of it.
*beams* Again, no human could have the relationship the Master has with the Doctor. There simply isn't enough TIME for them to. It's so wonderfully complex that we're going to be writing fics about them forever.

What you brush up against here that I adore is that at the end of the Time War, they switched roles: it was the Master who ran, who became human and rescued people, while the Doctor committed double genocide and got the blood on his hands. And I don't think either of them can entirely get over that.
Yeah, whenever the Master mentions the Doctor blowing up their home planet, I personally don't think he's jealous or annoyed that HE, the Master, didn't get to do it. I think he's shocked, disgusted even, that the Doctor went THERE. I also think there's a part of him that wants to bring the Doctor BACK to 'there.'

[prettyarbitrary.livejournal.com]

Yeah, whenever the Master mentions the Doctor blowing up their home planet, I personally don't think he's jealous or annoyed that HE, the Master, didn't get to do it. I think he's shocked, disgusted even, that the Doctor went THERE. I also think there's a part of him that wants to bring the Doctor BACK to 'there.'

Yes! I never saw resentment; I saw the Master getting off on the Doctor wreaking so much destruction. A large part of the Master has always wanted the Doctor to be more like him; he's forever trying to recruit him, the whole "rule the universe at my side" schtick. (Even though I do think the Master might find himself rather lost if the Doctor ever stepped into his shoes more permanently...or maybe not. Maybe he just really doesn't care so long as he has the Dcotor.)

Though...well, I do think the Master wants to get his turn. After all, the Doctor got to have some fun, so it's only fair, right? :) "Look, Doctor, there's nothing wrong with blowing up planets; it's awesome!" No need for jealousy, since there are plenty of worlds to go around. But of course he'll start with Earth, because it's pesky and the Doctor's way too attached to all those bloody humans.

[aunt-zelda.livejournal.com]

Yes! I never saw resentment; I saw the Master getting off on the Doctor wreaking so much destruction.
John Simm should not be allowed to make those noises and faces on a FAMILY SHOW. Srsly ... "Doctoooooooooor" and "Ooooooooh, tell me how did that FEEL?" totally getting off on DT's voice ... lucky man ...

A large part of the Master has always wanted the Doctor to be more like him; he's forever trying to recruit him, the whole "rule the universe at my side" schtick. (Even though I do think the Master might find himself rather lost if the Doctor ever stepped into his shoes more permanently...or maybe not. Maybe he just really doesn't care so long as he has the Dcotor.)
Maybe it's clever reverse-psychology? Trying to lure the Doctor to the Dark Side, all the while NEEDING the Doctor to stay exactly where he is? As long as he 'had' the Doctor, I don't suppose it'd matter much to the Master, but still ...

Though...well, I do think the Master wants to get his turn. After all, the Doctor got to have some fun, so it's only fair, right? :) "Look, Doctor, there's nothing wrong with blowing up planets; it's awesome!" No need for jealousy, since there are plenty of worlds to go around. But of course he'll start with Earth, because it's pesky and the Doctor's way too attached to all those bloody humans.
*sporfles* As long as SJS and her gang hitch a ride with Torchwood: Caridff (who picked up Capt. Spike at the last minute) and they all escape on a spaceship, I see no problem with that scenario.

[aunt-zelda.livejournal.com]

oh, amazing and lovely.
Wow, thank you!

Exactly. He lost himself after the Time War and no other time lords. He didn't have the Master as an equal anymore, and this fic really points out that he needed that.
Everyone has their own anchor. If you're a big damn hero who saves the universe a LOT, your anchor tends to be a psychopathic killer. It just makes SENSE.

And the kicker (that he wants this) is just so amazing and like a punch in the stomach. In a good way, of course.
Thank you! (Yeah, I am very proud of how I conveyed that in this fic. Plus, "Hurt me!" Ten is just delicious in a wrongwronggoodwrong way.


Heh heh, oh JACK ... I remember when I used to think PETER was a slash-slut ...

[ladyhadhafang.livejournal.com]

That was really well-done! :D Poor Doctor... *Hugs*

[aunt-zelda.livejournal.com]

Wow, I haven't re-read this in years!

... I'm actually rather proud of this one. Doctor/Master was the pairing where I saw people who'd been writing them for year, decades even, really got a sense of awe. It's a pairing with such rich history. And I just dove right in.

Poor Doctor ... but he DOES want that. It'll help him. Sort of. Ten is such a raging submissive, it's kind of ridiculous, and of the course the Master just loves having him around to play with.

Thanks for the comment! Just be careful as you dive through my archives, not all of it is this good ... or explicable.

[ladyhadhafang.livejournal.com]

You're very welcome. :) (And don't worry. :)


... I'm actually rather proud of this one. Doctor/Master was the pairing where I saw people who'd been writing them for year, decades even, really got a sense of awe. It's a pairing with such rich history. And I just dove right in.

I can definitely imagine. :) *Has just gotten around to watching DR. WHO, finally. Great show. :)*


Poor Doctor ... but he DOES want that. It'll help him. Sort of. Ten is such a raging submissive, it's kind of ridiculous, and of the course the Master just loves having him around to play with.

That I can imagine. Especially in regards to his guilt over the Time War and everything else. And the Master...that's pretty much self-explanatory, I say. XD