'Fragments'
Ok, why did NO ONE TELL ME that this episode is A FLASHBACK EPISODE OF WONDEROUS PROPORTIONS AND MAKES ME WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO THE SHOW ALL OVER AGAIN?!
I mean, just telling me it was a flashback episode extravaganza would have been sufficient. No spoilers, I would've loved ya to bits ... then again not knowing what to expect was just as sweet ...
We begin with a ... menacing dead flower? Jack, Ianto, Owen, and Tosh check out some place, looking badass and wielding guns, wearing their Long-Dark-Coats TM. It's very sexy and intense and blue-lit. Gwen is at the Hub. At first I thought she was there because she was preggers or broke her leg, but later on it is revealed that she just slept in.
And then all these bombs go off. And they ALL DIE. (Well, not Gwen, but I don't care about Gwen.)
I gasp 'No! No! No!' And envision an episode where Jack crawls out of the rubble, finds everyones' dead bodies, is even more emo, goes back in time to stop it, and ends up loosing Tosh.
Then we have the theme song (dancedancedance) and I'm thankfully proven wrong.
Because really, I could never have envisioned something as wonderous as this episode.
The Jack Bit:
1,392 deaths earlier.
Oh GOD. Poor Jack! (There should be a mini-series about all of Jack's deaths. Or a music video. With captions. ... the BBC had better pay me for that idea if they use it!)
Jack, sideburns do not suit you. The Vampire Lestat shoulder-cloak, however, does!
"Still not used to ... these hangovers."
Heh.
"I used to date a guy with no mouth. Very creative."
We also need a mini-series about all of Jack's strange boyfriends. The acrobatic twins, Chris, and now the guy with no mouth.
The women tie up Jack, drench him in water, and start to torture him. *giggles* They really know how to please the fans.
"You wait until I see the Doctor. First I'm going to kiss him, then I'm going to kill him."
Erm, Jack? I'm glad you had a hundred-odd years to simmer down because if you tried to kill David Tennant there would have been fandom-civil-war. I'd, of course, side with the Master in that case ... which I know makes no sense whatsoever but I view it like this: Jack beats all when he's on TW, on DW there's a tie between Jack and the Doctor for the most part, and the Master steals everyones' fangirls.
"To combat the threat posed by the Doctor and other phantasmagoria."
Just because they used the word 'phantasmagoria' and mention the Doctor more than once makes this episode FANTASTIC.
Why is Torchwood: Cardiff, planted on a Rift in TIME AND SPACE, staffed by two mostly-silent and very creepy lesbians?
Yay Mr. Blowfish Man!
So Jack objected to the alien-slaughter at first ... good for him.
"It's good money Captain, how else are you going to earn?"
I suspect there are MANY, MANY ways, ladies ... perhaps he'll show you a few if you stop freaking us out ...
"He's pretty. But you're prettier."
*giggles* So Torchwood was bisexual from the start ...
"But the century will turn twice before you meet again."
YAY FOR CREEPY CUTE TAROT CARD GIRL! I LOVE HER! I HOPE SHE BECOMES A RECURRING CHARACTER!
Wow, Jack's been filed an awful lot ... great montage, but I wish it had been all the lovers he's had over the years. That've been fun fun fun ...
Hee, the Doctor's on file too ... did Jack change the Torchwood mission statement so they wouldn't shoot the Doctor on sight? That's nice of him ...
Couldn't we have had a clip of Jack 'checking in' on Rose? Just a shot of him spotting a little blond girl? That'dve been nice ...
1999 ... hurrah!
Oh, wait, dead peoples. Dead bisexuals ... this is a crime against humanity!
"It's good you're here. Always had good timing."
Alex gives Jack Torchwood, because Alex has had a massive freakout, killing everyone else and loosing all hope and sense of direction.
"Twenty-first century, Jack. Everything's gonna change. And we're not ready."
And then he shoots himself. I gasp and freak. So does my dad.
Back to the present! Rhys and Gwen find Jack, who wakes up. Rhys expresses shock and surprise at Jack, whose pulse he previously could not feel, is alive now.
The Tosh Bit:
Tosh is way way way under a pile of rubble, and gasping silently. Then she screams. It's terrifying.
Here follows what I view as a massive plot-hole. Toshiko Sato, I quote from IMDb.com "was the government forensic pathologist called in to perform the autopsy on the alien corpse in "Doctor Who: Aliens of London (#1.4)" (2005)"
You know, the pig-mermaid thingy the Slitheeth conjured up? Could someone please give me a timeline or something, because I don't know what year it is in DW S4, nor when they hold elections, and what year 'Aliens of London' was supposed to be and ... yeah, unless someone gives me a clear explanation I'm going to call everything that happens after this a major plot hole. A really well acted, clever arc, but a plot-hole just the same.
Five years earlier Tosh is working in some office.
Wow, she's good at ... spy-stuff. Except she's leaving prints all over the place. Idiot.
Then she casually banters with the night watchman on the way out. It's cute and funny. Someone write and Alias/Torchwood crossover!
Tosh is cute in the old days. I usually hate bangs but they suit her.
Tosh demands to see her mommy after giving some shady freaks a sonic device, which the meanie then uses on Tosh and her mother.
Tosh gets taken by UNIT, which is worse than Torchwood. They lock her in a Guantonamo Bay ripoff and put her in a nasty red jumpsuit, which explains why Tosh and Martha never hit it off. I don't know how long Tosh is in the dark, gritty cell, shuffling around a large, dark warehouse but I can't believe UNIT does that. I mean, what did Tosh do? Steal the Doctor's tech to save her mommy? That's a crime? Seriously? It's not like she willingly concocted a dangerous device!
And Jack shows up in the doorway, a silhouetted savior. I want to CRY.
"Who are you?"
"Nobody. I don't exist. And with my charisma, that's quite an achievement."
Hee ...
"It's kind of a work in progress."
That's a nice way of putting it ...
"Limited contact only, you can send her postcards."
Man, that is HARSH.
Tosh agrees to work for Jack (Torchwood) it's so tragic and wonderful that I wanna cry all over again.
Rhys and Gwen and Jack can't get Tosh out, they set off to find the rest of the team to help move the rock. How about, I dunno, CALLING THE POLICE? OR SOMEONE WITH A CRANE? Bet you're regretting burning up the strong man from 'Out of the Rain' now, eh?
The Ianto Bit:
Ok, another timeline question. Jack was away with the Doctor for ... six months? So it's been about a year and a half since Gwen showed up at Torchwood after seeing the Weevil eat her friend. That's about 18 months, which means that Ianto was only at Torchwood for 3 months when Gwen showed up. That seems plausible, seeing as a few episodes in he get help for Lisa. Am I right in my deduction?
Ianto is also trapped under the rubble. He cries out in pain, and his eyes are red. I wail "No, no, no! You don't hurt Ianto! Nooooo!" but secretly I'm excited because seeing him means we get Ianto Flashback!
21 Months Earlier
Jack tussles with a Weevil. No, not like that ...
Ianto, clad in JEANS OF SEX, helps him out.
After the Weevil is down, the two guys chat, Ianto says it looks like a Weevil, but Jack plays dumb.
"Jones, Ianto Jones."
Which provides more proof that Ianto is a Time Lord with a Fobwatch because now he's emulating James Bond, who you all know is a Time Lord.
Jack is intrigued. You can tell because he hasn't started flirting yet. He cooly carts the Weevil off.
"By the way, love the coat."
Oh Ianto, you really know the way to Jack ....
Next morning Jack steps outside and finds Ianto waiting with COFFEE.
"Morning. Coffee?"
*wants*
"Look you checked me out."
I'm not sure if Ianto means Jack checked his background, or stared at his ass. Probably both, knowing Jack.
"Thought I was going to have to come ... deal with you."
Oho, as if there wasn't enough sexual innuendo in this!
Ianto's can't seem to stop touching Jack in this scene. One hand is occupied with the coffee cup, but the other keeps grabbing Jack's shoulder or touching his chest. Strange, isn't he madly in love with Lisa at this point? Maybe he thinks seducing Jack is the way to go ...
"There is no job for you here, and there never will be."
"I really like that coat!"
*giggles*
Clever how they cut out Suzie's voice.
"So you're not gonna help me catch this pterodactyl then?"
OH MY GOD!!!
"Yeah, because I keep dinosaur nets in the back of the SUV."
I carry wooden stakes in my school bag!
"You smell like that naturally?"
"51st century pheromones. People have no idea."
GAH! *faints* Two pretty men chasing a pterodactyl, having amazing sexual tension/chemistry. THIS is what Torchwood is all about!
"Ready for another go?"
"I'm game if you are."
No. Oh NO. Good lord I love this show!
"You're considering a pterodactyl but not me!"
"We need a guard dog."
"I could be that!"
"Dry cleaning! I bet that coat of yours takes a battering!"
Did you know that they drove over Spike's leather trench with a truck a few times before they used it?
"Like a butler, I can be a butler!"
So Ianto volunteered for the position of Tea boy after all. Jack didn't think one day "You know what Torchwood needs? A cute secretary!"
"We don't need a butler."
"Excuse me, _____ on your collar!" *can't hear what he said*
"It was a busy week!"
"Dinosaurs? I eat them for breakfast. Had to, actually ..."
*giggles*
"Chocolate, preferably dark."
Erm, Ianto? It's not a girl PMS-ing ... and why exactly do you carry dark chocolate around in your coat?
"It's, uh, good for your serotonin levels. If you've got serotonin levels."
*sporfles* Jack was reluctant to hire Ianto WHY?!
The terodactly CARRIES JACK OFF INTO THE SKY. I 'LOL' so loud I scared people in Cardiff.
Jack falls off/is dropped, and lands on Ianto. They roll over a few times to avoid being landed on by the dino as well. They laugh, there's heavy breathing, and a moment of slashy goodness. Then Ianto (who was on top for those of you keeping score) says "I should go" and gets up and walks off. Jack tell him to "report for work first thing tomorrow."
"Like the suit, by the way."
Ianto looks like he's about to cry. Not happy tears, either. More like "I'm gonna betray this man's trust to save my half-Cyber-girlfriend but if I tell him that he'll kill us both" tears. *huggles him* Poor Ianto ... I still don't know how he went from 'rats in my stomach, my girlfriend got shot by all my friends. Jack was going to kill me' to 'lots of things you can do with a stopwatch *snogfest*' Really, we need an episode that explains that. Maybe Jack let Ianto beat him up a lot, or something. Because logically it makes no damn sense.
The Owen Bit:
Owen can't move. Look out Owen, the Owen-haters are coming to kill you even more dead!
Four years earlier
Owen is engaged to ... a woman with a mental disorder. It's very, very sad. I have a feeling this is why he turns into a prick whose sexuality is 'gross greedy annoyance.'
"Last night I dreamt that you left me." *cries*
"I can't remember your name."
Owen waiting as Katie goes through surgery is staged rather well.
That is the fakest brain I've ever seen. Seriously guys, Heroes has some nice ones, I'm sure they could lease some to the BBC in exchange for Christopher Eccleston.
There's a nasty purple thing with tentacles inside Katie's (dead) brain. Jack is explaining things rather heartlessly to a very distressed Owen, who's currently going through shock. When Owen tells Jack not to touch Katie, Jack pulls out something I assume is chloroform and looks an awful lot like what the two lesbians did to him at the beginning of the episode and knocks Owen out.
Owen wakes up and remembers everything. People think he's gone mad with grief. I don't blame them. Poor Owen.
Whilst visiting Katie's grave Jack shows up, lurking in the shade like a vampire. Owen runs at him, punches him a lot, tries to strangle him, and then collapses on top of Jack and cries. This scene makes two things very clear: Jack is nicer than I thought, and that this is definitely not in Wales. Too many mountains.
"I'm building something. I need a medic."
*cough* Bring back Martha Jones *cough*
The End Bit:
Owen is almost decapitated by a window. Oh, the horrorz.
This SHOULD have alerted me as to what was going to happen next, because who should show up outside on Jack's wrist-R2-D2-holograph when the team has regrouped (Rhys is now part of the team in my book, he has a dark coat on) but Capt. Spike!
That's where I struck the 'Yatta!' pose and lost all capabilities of human speech.
Capt. Spike brings a friend into the mix: Jack's hither-to unseen brother, Gray, who is accompanied by the music from 'Adam.' Gray doesn't say anything, but he's handcuffed so, hopes for really disturbing slash fics, eh, ladies?
Capt. Spike promises to tear 'Jack's' world apart and destroy everything he holds dear. What Capt. Spike SHOULD have done was capture the Doctor, kill Ianto after really disturbing sexual acts, and burn Jack's coat. THAT would be better than planting silly bombs, in my opinion, but then again, I am not Capt. Spike.
Btw, doesn't Capt. Spike know that Earth is the DOCTOR'S 'world?' Seriously, Capt. Spike, stop trying to copy the Master ... oh, wait, never mind, do whatever you damn please, you, like the Master, have full-fangirl support! As long as you do not kill, maim, or permanently scar Ianto, that is ... or we shall rejoice if you die.
Next Week: Capt. Spike blows things up, shoots some guns, and chains Jack to the ceiling. He might seduce a poodle too! Remind me why he can't stay? Oh yeah, because TOSH IS GONNA DIE. *headdesk* Thank you stupid spoiler I clicked on ...
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aunt_zelda
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no subject
Date: 2008-04-15 12:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-15 02:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-16 04:16 am (UTC)I am such a david tennant fangirl now.
I was watching the friday night project and they were reading him doctor who porn and his face made me lol.
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Date: 2008-04-16 02:17 pm (UTC)Oh he's just so CUTE!
I am such a david tennant fangirl now.
During S2 I didn't like him at first, but now I really love him.
I was watching the friday night project and they were reading him doctor who porn and his face made me lol.
I watched that a while back, SO HILARIOUS! They could never do something like that here in the states ... *sigh* 'Excerpt from John Barrowman's blog' indeed ... the bit with him tied to the bed was HYSTERICAL. (I'm surprised nobody's done that to him in real life, seeing as he's the cutest thing since Hiro Nakamura shouted 'YATTA!'...)
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Date: 2008-04-19 05:35 am (UTC)Chah. I want to take him and Hiro Nakamura home and bake them cookies and be like, "Awwww there is no way you could be more adorable."
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Date: 2008-04-20 02:54 am (UTC)That is exactly what I did. It took me until the end of S2 to get the 'Ok, he's here, he's funny, he can be intense, I want to keep him!' aditude. But yeah, going from Nine to Ten was like a punch in the gut.
Chah. I want to take him and Hiro Nakamura home and bake them cookies and be like, "Awwww there is no way you could be more adorable."
I have been attempting to write a Heroes/Doctor Who crossover in which the Doctor and Hiro be emo together about their evil boyfreinds and the Master and Adam make the fangirls explode by having mad hot smex. I really need to work on that ...
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Date: 2008-04-20 05:02 pm (UTC)omg that sounds like the most amazing fic ever.
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Date: 2008-04-20 06:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-15 05:12 am (UTC)Myfanwy is the living embodiment of Jack and Ianto's love.
Next week will fucking BLOW. YOUR. MIND.
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Date: 2008-04-15 02:07 pm (UTC)I guess so ... but still loved it.
Myfanwy is the living embodiment of Jack and Ianto's love.
I forgot it had a name! *loves that name*
Next week will fucking BLOW. YOUR. MIND.
More so than this episode? Really? Is that possible? *is worried* If I explode from fangirl joy my dad's gonna sue the BBC ...
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Date: 2008-04-15 11:20 pm (UTC)I think it's a fanon name. I've never heard it on the show.
More so than this episode? Really? Is that possible? *is worried* If I explode from fangirl joy my dad's gonna sue the BBC ...
There won't be an fangirl joy (mostly), but it is absolutely amazing. It's the best-written Torchwood ep ever.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-16 12:07 pm (UTC)Well, still, luverly name! And yes, symbol of Jack and Ianto's lurve.
There won't be an fangirl joy (mostly), but it is absolutely amazing. It's the best-written Torchwood ep ever.
*cannot wait then*
no subject
Date: 2008-04-17 04:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-15 05:04 pm (UTC)That would've been fun to see him try! But capturing the Doctor leads to chaos beyond the scope of Torchwood to handle. :D Also, there are Other Time Lords who might take exception.
Come to think of it, that would've been fun to watch.
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Date: 2008-04-15 10:38 pm (UTC)I really don't think he would've managed it, but it's what one should do if one wanted to seriously mess Jack up.
But capturing the Doctor leads to chaos beyond the scope of Torchwood to handle.
I know! They can barely handle little things!
:D Also, there are Other Time Lords who might take exception.
What do you mean by that? That the Master would ressurect early because someone dared to touch his Theta? He so WOULD ...
Come to think of it, that would've been fun to watch.
*nodnod* Though the screen might explode from all the sexy menfolk ...
no subject
Date: 2008-04-16 02:46 pm (UTC);) You read my mind. Also, Capt. Spike meeting the Master would surely be fodder for some good times.
Though the screen might explode from all the sexy menfolk ...
This is true. But the sacrifice of a television set might be worth it!
no subject
Date: 2008-04-16 04:14 pm (UTC)adkajfaksdjfakfjdlakfjakdfa!!!
This is true. But the sacrifice of a television set might be worth it!
It would indeed!