![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aunt_zeldaI honestly don’t know what to make of this episode. There were some enjoyable bits and a lot of interesting and fun characters, but we didn’t spend long enough with them. There were too many obvious plot holes, or things that that characters could have easily done to avoid bad things that for some reason they didn’t do, and rampant “the plot made them do it” things. Idiot Balls. I think the cameos were used as distractions. And at the start of the episode I was not a happy camper at all, and it took me a long time to enjoy myself. I did in the end, but I felt slightly cheated at the same time. So … this recap may read kinda strangely. Well, stranger than it usually does.
Previously on Doctor Who: we had a really boring two-parter that didn’t make a lick of sense and really annoyed me. Basically it was like they tried to do the Ood stuff again and hoped we wouldn’t notice. It was really annoying. And Amy is pregnant and not-pregnant, but that Amy was a Doppelganger and so she melted. The “real” Amy is in a box about to give birth while a scary lady in an eyepatch watches. Have I ever told you that I absolutely hate pregnancy plotlines? I do. I’m sure they can be done right, but at the moment I can only recall when they’ve been done wrong. So often the actress becomes pregnant and they try to work it into the character and it’s just so obvious and clumsy (Alias was particularly horrible with this, there was a lot of Baby Foolishness on Angel), or they have to film her sitting down or from a computer screen (Leverage, Life) and it’s just so annoying because the story and character gets derailed for ZOMG BABIES BABIES BABIES.
Onto the show. Yaaaaaay … *headdesk*
We’re at a place called “Demon’s Run” which looks like a microbe got crossed with a space station. Inside Amy is huggling an admittedly adorable baby girl whom she’s named “Melody Pond.” While I approve of Amy keeping her name when she got married, I feel that the kid’s name should either be hyphenated, have two last names, or have a middle name “Williams” for Rory. It’s only fair. Amy tells Melody that she’s gonna hafta be brave and that the Doctor and Rory are coming soon. Amy also looks very angry at the Eyepatch Woman and the armed soldiers who have Amy and Melody surrounded. Also there are people in hooded black robes off to the side. Cultists? Is Melody going to be sacrificed to Cthulhu and saved at the last minute? If so, I am totally on board for this ZOMG BABIES plotline after all!
We cut to Cybermen, very far away from wherever Amy and Melody and the Eyepatch Bitch are, who are being harassed by Eleven, or at least his screwdriver. (No, not like that. Ew.)
Eyepatch Bitch and her soldiers take Melody away from Amy, who pleads with them to leave her. Of course we cut to a female soldier who looks conflicted about this business, because only women can feel sympathy about mothers and newborns and a woman’s only desire is for BABIES ZOMG BABIES are you seriously telling me that none of the men in the room are unsettled by separating a woman and her newborn baby, just the young!pretty!female solider? Eyepatch Bitch is a woman, she has no problem with this at all.
Amy keeps telling Melody that someone is coming to save them and he’ll find Melody wherever she is, and of course the dialogue is ambiguous because for some reason we need romantic drama. But she’s not talking about Eleven, she’s talking about Rory! “The Last Centurion!” FUCK YEAH! *punches the air*
We cut to Rory, in Centurion garb, storming the Cyberman control room. He’s dramatically lit. He says he has a message from the Doctor and a question from him. “Where. Is. My. Wife?” BADASS! *punches the air* He says if they tell him he’ll be on his way. Then all their ships in the background explode. RAWR! Rory, if you weren’t so devoted to your wife I’d offer to sleep with you out of sheer admiration. (I see their marriage as slightly-open. They’re married, he doesn’t want to be with anybody else but her, but he’s fine with her flirting and sleeping with whomever she takes a fancy to so long as he has some say in the matter. That’s just my personal canon, make your own if you like.)
Two soldiers – SPACE soldiers! Soldiers in space! – discuss the Doctor, how he blew up the Cybermen just now to “prove a point” and how “he once chased the Atraxi off a planet, then called them back for a scolding.” Lol, yeah, that was pretty badass. They spot the Sympathetic Female Soldier sewing on a crate. Sewing. On her break. I’m going to see what else this character does in this episode, and then see if I’m justified in going on a rant about gender stereotypes in the media. The two soldiers try testing each other with two cards, one that’s real and one that’s made of psychic paper. Oooooo, I like where that’s going!
The Robed Cultist-Looking Guys walk down a hallway. (They’re not the droids you’re looking for, I bet.) The soldiers discuss the robed guys, apparently they’re called “Headless Monks” and you’re not supposed to talk to them or try to look under their hoods or they’ll kill you. Yeah, good idea, having people whose faces you’re not allowed to see wander around your high-security military base while you’re expecting a dangerous guy to storm in. DUMBASSES. They meet up with the Sympathetic Female Soldier, whom they recognize as “Lorna Bucket.” She says hi. They introduce themselves:
Thin One: I'm the Thin One, this is my husband, he's the Fat One.
Lorna: Don't you have names?
Fat One: We're the thin, fat, gay, married, Anglican marines. Why would we need names as well?
*snerk* Wait … am I supposed to laugh at that or object to that or what?
The Fat One is led away by the monks for a “conversion tutorial” and because he is funny, gay, happily married, and in the opening sequence, he’s so gonna die. FUCK YOU SHOW. Some confusing dialogue happens. Lorna and the Thin One talk about how Lorna had an “encounter” with the Doctor once when she was a kid and basically it was five seconds where he said “run” a lot. Also she’s from a place that’s “heaven-neutral” or something and oh gods this is gonna be one of those “religion is evil” plots, isn’t it? Pregnancy Plotline, ZOMG BABIES, Sympathetic Female Character, Bury Your Gays, and now Religion Is Evil … things are not looking up for this episode, I’m sorry to admit.
The Fat One is presumably killed by the Headless Monks, or converted, or something. A voice plays that says “It is traditional for visiting armies of other faiths to offer individuals for conversion to our order. You have been selected.” So there is human sacrifice. Just not to Cthulhu. So I’m not interested.
Ooooooo, here’s something interesting! VERY, VERY INTERESTING! Victorian London! A hooded woman sets her katana by the door *SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE* and tells her cute maid to call Scotland Yard because Jack the Ripper has killed his last victim! The Maid “How did you find him?” and the woman takes down her hood, revealing that she’s A Sexy Silurian Lady! She says she found him “Stringy, but tasty all the same. I shan't be needing dinner.” Aaahhahahhahhahaa! Also: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! The Maid says a “matter” has arisen in the drawing room. Unfortunately that is not code for sex. It does however mean that the TARDIS is parked in the drawing room, which is the next best thing to Victorian Sapphism. Detective McAwesomeLizardLady says that this means “a very old debt is to be repaid” and instructs her maid to “pack the cases” and that they’re “going to need the swords” and I dearly hope that the rumor that these two are going to get their own show happens, because I haven’t wanted something this bad since … since … I don’t know.
Then … ok, hold it right there. I see what’s happening here. Clearly the writers or producers had all these cool ideas but either never wrote them into full-length episodes or weren’t allowed to, and so had to cram them all into this confusing and enticing and cock-tease of a clipshow.
Because we get people dressed in Napoleon-era fancy dress firing laserguns on the battlefield, a female president, and a Sontaran as a “nurse” who tells the kid he’s caring for “You'll be up and around in no time! And perhaps one day you and I shall meet on the field of battle, and I will destroy you for the glory of the Sontaran Empire.” LOL! Apparently him being a nurse is a “penance” to “restore the honor of my clone batch” and it’s a horrible thing for a Sontaran to help the “weak and the sick.” Then he sees the TARDIS vworp in and muses “perhaps my penance is over!” and tells a mustache guy “Captain Harcourt, I hope some day to meet you in the glory of battle, when I shall crush the life from your worthless human form.” LOL! I love that guy! I love that setting! Can we please forget about the stupid baby and the stupid pregnancy and the stupid soldiers and the stupid religion and stay with them? And then go back to the Victorian Lesbians?
River dances down the hallway of her prison and calls to the warden, saying she’s “breaking in, not out” and dances over to her cell. She sees Rory in shadow and says “Oh, are you boys dressing up as Romans now? I thought nobody read my memos.” LOL! ILU, River!
River recognizes Rory and looks tearful and happy, Rory is confused. Apparently it’s River’s birthday and the Doctor just took her ice skating on the Thames on “the last of the great frost fairs” in 1814 and Stevie Wonder sang under the bridge. Yes, Stevie Wonder. Don’t ask. Rory says he’s come from the Doctor too, a different one “Unless there's two of them?” and River smiles and says “No, now that’s a different birthday.” …
…
…
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Please tell me it was Ten and Eleven! Dear GOD, let it have been Ten and Eleven! Or … oh, the combinations are numerous as they are delicious! Two versions of Eleven? Two tens? Eight and Nine? Eight and Eleven? *purrs all night*
River checks her diary and knows it’s gonna be Demon’s Run. Also:
River: Why on earth are you wearing that?
Rory: The Doctor's idea.
River: Of course. His rules of engagement: float like a butterfly, sting like a bee …
Rory: … look ridiculous.
River: Have you considered heels?
Lol, I love these two, they should have more scenes together, they’re such wonderful characters together.
River says she can’t be there until “The very end” because today is the day the Doctor finds out who she is. Also, apparently “This is The Battle of Demons Run. The Doctor's darkest hour. He'll rise higher than ever before and then fall so much further.” I really doubt this two-parter is gonna live up to that. I’m sorry, but is this really gonna be worse than, I dunno, the TIME WAR was to him? He spent two regenerations angsting about that!
A large fat blue man is preparing to leave. He’s cornered by Eyepatch Bitch and some soldiers. Fat Blue Man tells us what’s what: the Doctor is calling in his debts, from all over the galaxy, and that’s not good for the Military People. Also, their asteroid base is named “demons run” because of the saying “demons run when a good man goes to war.” Ok, that’s kinda cool. I like that. Fat Blue Man toddles off but the TARDIS shows up and he says “No! Not me! I’m old! I’m fat! I’m blue! You can’t need me!” LOL. I like Fat Blue Man! I like smart, clever, cowardly funny characters.
The Military People hold a rally, cheering about how they’re gonna kill the Doctor. That’s … scary and incredibly stupid.
Lorna tries to give the thing she was sewing to Amy. It’s a “prayer leaf” with melody’s name on it, Lorna’s people believe if you have one your kid will always return to you. Amy says “Can I borrow your gun?” and when Lorna looks shocked and asks why, she says “Cos I've got a feeling you're going to keep talking.” BAHAHAHAHAAA! You go, Amy! I like you! Take that, Lorna!
Amy and Lorna talk about the Doctor, and how they both met him as kids, and how he came back for Amy, Lorna says “you must be very special” and I roll my eyes because no, Amy isn’t a specials snowflake, all companions are “special” in the sense that she’s special, can we move along from the concept of the most-important-girl-in-his-life already? And Amy tells Lorna that it’s worth it to wait for the Doctor and when he arrives Lorna had “better be on the right side,” not for Amy’s sake but for Lorna’s own sake, and Amy takes the prayer leaf and says thanks and Lorna leaves. I don’t know how to feel about this. Patience is all well and good, but so is taking the fucking initiative and rescuing your own damn self. If I had a baby and someone tried to take it away from me without my consent, I wouldn’t just cry and beg, I’d fight tooth and claw and have to be sedated. Then I’d fight once I regained consciousness. Then I’d demand to know what they were gonna do with my kid, and if it was something like “sacrifice him/her to Cthulhu” I’d try to kill my kid so they wouldn’t get to use my kid’s soul to feed Cthulhu or something. While having that heart-to-heart with Lorna, I’d grab her gun and take her hostage, or give her a hug and use that closeness to steal a keycard or something, or smash her head into the table and shoot the guard at my door. SOMETHING. Amy, come on, you’re better than “sit and wait like a damsel in distress,” you are badass, you can rescue your own damn self! You can at least make several attempts! It would not kill the show to make reference to those escape attempts!
Military Guy makes more speeches, and shows the Headless Monks’s … lack of heads. It’s pretty squicky, like something out of Beetlejuice. Except the last monk to be un-hooded is Eleven! SQUEEEEEEEEE! He says “please, point a gun at me if it helps you to relax” and the soldiers do. Except Lorna, who’s smiling. Hee. In a booth somewhere two soldiers find themselves being held at swordpoint by Detective McAwesomeLizardLady and her BadassAdorable Maid. Detective says “Go on, resist. I'm ever so hungry.” Hee hee hee! I like her!
Eleven yells for Amy to “get her coat” and the lights go out. When the lights come up, Eleven taunts the soldiers. The soldiers start firing on the monks, who start fighting back with cool red electrical-light powers. Aligning yourself with people who won’t show their faces is now shown to be a spectacularly stupid plan. Eyepatch Bitch snorts contemptuously and stalks off.
Badass Maid: Clever, isn't he?
Detective: And rather attractive.
Badass Maid: You do realize he's a man, don't you, ma'am?
Detective: Mammals. They all look alike.
Badass Maid: Oh, thank you!
*tied up guard tries to hit an override button*
Detective: Was I being insensitive again, dear? I don't know why you put up with me.
*uses her long tongue to stun the guard*
*Badass Maid and Detective share a flirtatious look that clearly states “That’s why she puts up with you”*
*SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*
Lorna notices a “Monk” using a sonic screwdriver on a door while the General tries to maintain control. He gets everyone to discharge their weapons and stand down. Loran goes after the Doctor. A bunch of SIlurians, Judoon, and even the Sontaran guy show up and surround the soldiers and monks, saying they’re taking over. BADASS. It’s stupid and crazy and pandering but I DON’T CARE.
I think the planes from “Victory of the Daleks” start firing on the ships orbiting Demons Run. I’m going to ignore that, because those were stupid. The station shakes.
Eyepatch Bitch says “I need to get off this station now. Bring me the child!”
More cameos and bantering. Eyepatch Bitch says “The Doctor must think he’s winning right until the trap closes and is left with Melody in an escape ship. Rory holds her at sword-point. She says she’s got a crew, how does he expect to overpower them? BADASS PIRATE CAPTAIN AND HIS SICKLY SON SHOW UP WITH PISTOLS AND HE SAYS THE SHIP IS THEIR FFFFFFFFFFUCK YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *PUNCHES THE AIR AND SQUEES*
I KNOW IT’S GRATUITUOS AND STUPID, I KNOW THAT CAMEOS ARE THE LOWEST FORM OF AWESOME, BUT IT’S SO COOL! TEAMWORK IS AWESOME!
Eleven has the General (ok, he’s a Colonel, my bad) to tell his soldiers to “run away” because he wants the Colonol to be famous for those words and called “Colonel Run Away” and have kids laugh at him in the street and stuff. He gets very angry and up in his face and snarls “And, when people come to you, and ask if trying to get to me through the people I love …!” (Detective McBadassLizardLady hisses in empathetic anger.) “… is in any way a good idea … I want you to tell them your name.” Eleven then calms down a bit and says “Oh, look, I'm angry. That's new.” Then he says, almost apologetic or something, “I'm really not sure what's going to happen now …”
Eyepatch Bitch is led in and says “The anger of a good man is not a problem. Good men have too many rules.” Eleven gets intense and says “Good men don't need rules. Today is not the day to find out why I have so many.” Ooooooooo … *shivers* You do not go up against the Oncoming Storm and torment his companions and expect to come out with any kind of dignity. Eyepatch Bitch tells the Colonel to give the order. Eleven looks pleased, but like he’s still saving something for Eyepatch Bitch.
Rory and Amy and Melody have an adorable reunion. I love it when their marriage is presented honestly and adorably like this. And they hug and kiss and Rory is crying and happy. Eleven shows up and responds like the awkward manchild he is most of the time in this incarnation and says “Ugh, kissing and crying … I'll be back in a bit!” Rory orders Eleven in and Eleven is awkwardly cute at the baby. Then he hugs Amy and apologizes for being so long.
GET IN THE TARDIS NOW! ALL OF YOU! ADORABLE REUNIONS CAN HAPPEN LATER! GET EVERYBODY SAFE IN THE TARDIS AND FAR AWAY!!! RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!
Also, Eleven talks Baby. That’s … adorable.
Detective McAwesomeLizardLady comes in to tell Eleven that the troops are leaving, Demons Run has been taken without a drop of blood spilled (those monks and soldiers who died in the confusion would disagree) and she says “My friend, you have never risen higher.” Rory looks concerned, considering what River said earlier. Later. Whatever.
Melody is crying, apparently she doesn’t like the TARDIS noise. Amy says this while carrying her out of the safety of the TARDIS. GET THE FUCK BACK IN THE TARDIS! TAKE HER TO THE FUCKING ZERO ROOM IF NOISE IS A PROBLEM! JUST STAY SAFE! I DON’T WANT A PLOT OF “WHO’S STOLEN THE BABY THIS TIME” GOING ON FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON!
Did I mention that the Detective’s Badass Maid/Girlfriend is wearing a sexy pair of pants and a vest? *fans self* The Sontaran has apparently gene-spliced himself enough to “produce magnificent quantities of lactic fluid” and excuse me, I’m laughing really hard and I think that guy needs his own show as well. “Dr. Sontaran! Snarkier than Dr. House, because he literally wants to kill every one of his patients!”
Eleven then brings out a Time Lord crib that looks absolutely awesome and they put Melody in it. Rory and Amy look at each other in surprise and Amy asks if Eleven’s ever had kids. *wibbles* Also, Melody apparently thinks Eleven’s hair is fake. Tee hee.
Eleven gets called away, still need to figure out what this base is for and all. GET THE FUCK BACK INTO THE TARDIS! GET THE BABY THEY KIDNAPPED AMY FOR BACK INTO THE TARDIS! PUT ALL THE GUARDS AROUND THE BABY! FLY AWAY!
The whole time Amy was here at the base, she thought she was on the TARDIS. Eleven asks Rory for permission to give Amy a hug. Rory grants that, reminding Eleven jokingly that he’s got a sword. (See? Rory is fine with this so long as he gets a say in the boundaries and her partners … ok, I’ll be quiet now.)
Also, the crib was the Doctor’s. Awwwwwww. (And a million hardcore Whovians who still ascribe to the Looms business cried out in pain and agony.)
The Sontaran Nurse finds and takes Lorna prisoner.
The Detective and the Fat Blue Man and Eleven look at the scans that the Military were doing of Melody. DOWNLOAD IT ONTO A FUCKING FLASHDRIVE AND LEAVE! Melody’s DNA is that of human … and Time Lord. *headdesk*
Lorna insists that this is a trap and they need to leave (THANK YOU!) and that she only joined the army so she could meet he Doctor again. The crowd is dubious.
Lorna: The only reason I joined the Clerics was to meet the Doctor again.
Badass Maid: You wanted to meet him, so you joined an army to fight him?
Lorna: Well, how else do you meet a great warrior?
Amy: He's not a warrior.
Lorna: Then why's he called the Doctor?
Oooooo … oh dear. I think we have confused terminology going on here.
The lights go out. Lorna pleads with them to listen to her. What’s the harm in all piling into the TARDIS and locking the fucking doors again? YOU MORONS! YOU HAD PLENTY OF TIME TO GET TO SAFETY AND GET AWAY! OR AT LEAST GET MOST OF YOU SAFELY BARRICADED IN THE TARDIS! YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELVES!
Detective McAwesomeLizardLady pushes the Doctor for information about Melody and being a Time Lord. She knows an awful lot already. She asks if Melody could even regenerate and Eleven isn’t sure. She tries to be “delicate” in asking when the baby “began” and Fat Blue Man chuckles. Did I mention that I really like Fat Blue Man? Eleven says “Well, how would I know? That's all human-y, private stuff, it just sort of...goes on. They don't put up a balloon, or anything.” They ought to hang a sock on the door or something, to avoid the sort of “whoops, didn’t know you were having sex … can I join?” fanfiction I’m thinking of right now. Detective asks whether the baby could have “begun” while her parents were on the TARDIS, inflight through the Time Vortex (how Time Lords happened) and Eleven says that’s impossible and babbles a recap of last season:
Eleven: It's all running about, sexy fish vampires and blowing up stuff. And Rory wasn't even there at the beginning. Then he was dead, then he didn't exist, then he was plastic. Then I had to reboot the whole universe...long story. So technically the first time they were on the TARDIS together, in this version of reality, was on their...
Detective: On their what?
Eleven: *gulp* On their wedding night.
Well, not every couple has sex on their wedding night, but it seems pretty likely for a couple like Amy and Rory. Personally I’d feel weird doing it on my wedding night in a living spaceship knowing a dude my fiancé had a total crush on since childhood was down the hall and might be able to hear us or watch us on a secret camera … but that’s just me. Also, is this stuff that’s appropriate for kids? They’re getting into sex-ed and I thought people objected to that in tv shows with a large young audience? I’m not complaining, but then again I’m eighteen and was raised very liberal.
You know, if Eleven didn’t project this image of a goofy manchild who says that kissing is icky, right about now they’d be point-blank asking him if he and Amy had sex. Which would be REALLY awkward.
Oh, great, the Headless Monks don’t register on scanners as lifeforms. You should have said that to start with, Lorna! *smacks upside the head* Also, guys, CONTINUE THIS CONVERSATION INSIDE THE TARDIS WITH THE DOORS LOCKED PLEASE!!!
Fat Blue Man says the Military gave up too easily and this is unsettling to his coward-instincts. I love this guy. I don’t know if he could have his own show, but he’d make a fantastic recurring character. Eleven asks why the Military would try to cook up a Time Lord for and Detective says “a weapon” and when Eleven asks why a Time Lord would be a weapon she and Fat Blue Man exchange A Look and she says “Well … they’ve seen you.” Eleven takes his very hard and sits down, because he hasn’t spent this regeneration angsting about the Time War or being The Lonely God so he … kinda forgot about all that. *wibbles* So he hasn’t completely grown and moved on, as such, he was doing a fair bit of repressing in there as well. Poor guy.
Detective says that Fat Blue Man is right, this was too easy, and they should get back to the others.
Eyepatch Bitch comes up on a monitor to talk to the Doctor. She says that Melody is “hope. In this endless, bitter war” against whom? Against the Doctor! Dun dun daa?
The Monks kill some poor Silurians and surround the cast of badass characters, who stupidly did not get into the TARDIS when they had the chance and more than enough reason. The TARDIS is now locked behind a force field. These people are experienced heroes (or just experienced, some tend towards the morally gray, if you know what I mean *Heroes reference*) THEY SHOULD BE GENRE SAVVY AT THIS POINT. At the very least, they should know when to GET INTO THE FUCKING TARDIS AND LOCK THE DOORS. I’m sorry, but I can’t let a plot hole so obvious go, I just CAN’T.
Amy and Melody hide off to the side while everyone else prepares for battle. Rory gives them both kisses before going to help.
Lorna says the Military left plasma pistols behind in these crates and the Sontaran Nurse says “well, find them, BOY” and Detective mutters “She’s definitely a girl” and her Badass Maid/Girlfriend hisses “Oh, stop it!” and they smile.
Fat Blue Man is horribly murdered, and I’m mad because he was one of my favorites.
There’s some epic fighting with lasers and swords and it’s pretty cool but stupid because they ought to be hiding in the TARDIS.
Eyepatch Bitch taunts the Doctor that in time, Melody will be a weapon, and when Eleven says he won and he’s never gonna let her near Melody again she says “Fooling you once was a joy … but fooling you twice, the same way, it's a privilege.” Um … Rani? *tilts head to the side* Is that you, Rani? Doesn’t seem like you …
Eleven realizes the obvious and runs to his friends.
More fighting. Lorna gets shot. The monks sneak up on Sontaran Nurse. River in a voiceover recites a poem about “when a good man goes to war” that is quite haunting. Since we haven’t spent much time with these characters there isn’t much pathos going on, but it’s good enough I suppose. Oh, and then something awful happens: Melody melts into white goo … she was a replica all along. AUUUUUUUUGH!
Rory and the Sontaran Nurse have a great little scene that I love quite a bit. This is what should happen during cameo-fests, cool characters who wouldn’t usually interact, hanging out and finding common ground and talking. I like that a lot. Then the Sontaran Nurse dies. *wibbles* Nooooooo … I liked him a lot! STOP KILLING MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS MOFFAT! YOUR NAME IS NOT JOSS WHEDON! YOU AREN’T ALLOWED TO DO THAT! JOSS WHEDON ISN’T ALLOWED TO DO THAT EITHER, BUT HE DOES ANYWAY!
Badass Maid comforts Amy. Amy is very upset. Eleven goes to hug her and she flinches, and Badass Maid kindly tells her that it’s not his fault.
Detective calls Eleven over to Lorna, telling him that she warned them of the trap. Eleven then has a short, touching scene where he thanks Lorna for helping his friends and she tells him she met him before. “You don’t remember me …” she says and he says “I remember everyone” and touches her face and she cries and then she dies. It’s sweet and a little awkward because he doesn’t really know who she is but he knows she helped his friends and that’s something to honor and now she’d just died. (I teared up for real, not gonna lie.) Eleven, shaken, asks Detective who Lorna was. “I don’t know, but she was very brave,” says the Detective, a little shakily. Eleven, tearful, says “They’re always brave …” *sniffles* He accomplished in two minutes what Ten needed to go completely psychotic to accomplish. (Again, not bashing Ten, Ten had some great moments, but after his explosive emotions and huge dramatic bits, it’s nice to see a more natural, low-key, somber Doctor.)
Then River shows up. Eleven is so mad he growls “Why weren’t you here?!” at her. OUCH. River calls him out on his behavior over the times, how he should be careful because he just got an army to turn around at the mention of his name and on Lorna’s world the word “Doctor” means “Might Warrior” and I’m sorry, but haven’t we already gone through this bullshit with Ten and Nine? Jesus, in the very first episode of New Who we saw this with Nine and the Nestene, when it was freaked out by the TARDIS, when the Racnoss said that the Time Lords “murdered” her people, every time Ten asked people to kill him, etc. The Doctor is always going to be seen differently by people, mostly as a hero, but there’s always another side to the story. Some people will worship him, some people will call him a friend or an ally, some people will love him, and some people will fear him. We do not need another “oh god what have I become” moment from the Doctor. He got a creepy military force who were giving some of their own as human sacrifices to a creepy religion and STOLE A WOMAN’S BABY to turn around. He didn’t murder them all, he got them all to leave with minimal bloodshed. That’s GOOD. That wasn’t bad. Bad would have been blowing them all up or going all Bond Villain on them or something. He just got rid of them without killing them or psychologically torturing them. DO NOT CALL HIM OUT ON THIS. THIS IS NOT A ‘CALL THE DOCTOR OUT ON HIS ACTIONS’ MOMENT. JUST ASK DONNA … OH WAIT YOU CAN’T SHE WAS TOO AWESOME AND YOU HAD TO GIVE HER THE HAITIAN TREATMENT.
Eleven demands to know who River is. He gets very intense about it (FINALLY.) Then she tells him to look closer at the Gallifreyan circles on the crib. Then he grins and her. They smile and giggle and it’s adorable and I know the answer so the surprise is, unfortunately, lost on me.
Eleven bids farewell to the Victorian Lesbians, tells River to get everybody back home, and promises that he’ll get Amy and Rory’s kid home safe. Then he vanishes in the TARDIS.
Amy pulls a gun on River and tells he to tell them what Eleven told her. River hands her the prayer leaf Lorna gave her, which has Melody’s name in “the language of the forest.” Since there isn’t a “pond” in the forest, their word for a body of water is “river.” And, well … “song” … “melody” … geddit? (Since I like wordplay I kinda like this, though it is a bit forced. Most things this season have felt a bit forced, to be honest. *sighs* Ah well. At least we got Victorian Lesbian Detectives out of it!)
River point-blank states “It’s me. I’m Melody. I’m your daughter.” Amy and Rory look shocked and confused.
Next Episode! (Which is titled, ridiculously enough “Let’s Kill Hitler”)
Well, seeing as the promo I found was for the rest of the season (what a horrible cliffhanger to leave people on!) it looks pretty dang awesome and scary. Amy in Wonderland, in armor, skulls, creepy dolls, Eleven saying he’s gonna kiss someone, Hitler thanking them for saving his life (aaaaaaawwwwwkkkkkkkwaaaaard), a minotaur running around a hotel (great, scratch “Creepy Hotel” off the list of Cliché Ccary Things That Moffat Has Mad Even Scarier), Cybermen, a motorcycle, Eleven in tails and a top hat, the Silence (arrrrgh, I just had a nightmare about those fuckers, NOT FUN), the Weeping Angels, River/Melody with a creepy eyepatch like Eyepatch Bitch, lots of smashing glass, the TARDIS crashing through a wall, and … it looks like a Portal Chamber come to life and Portal stuff come to life but I’m not sure.
I have time for one more episode tonight, I think. I have a long shift tomorrow, they offered me the chance to come into work because they need help and I jumped at the chance for more hours. Having stayed up very late this past week and slept until noon or so, this means I need to go to sleep a little earlier at the very least. Time for one more episode though, I hope …
Previously on Doctor Who: we had a really boring two-parter that didn’t make a lick of sense and really annoyed me. Basically it was like they tried to do the Ood stuff again and hoped we wouldn’t notice. It was really annoying. And Amy is pregnant and not-pregnant, but that Amy was a Doppelganger and so she melted. The “real” Amy is in a box about to give birth while a scary lady in an eyepatch watches. Have I ever told you that I absolutely hate pregnancy plotlines? I do. I’m sure they can be done right, but at the moment I can only recall when they’ve been done wrong. So often the actress becomes pregnant and they try to work it into the character and it’s just so obvious and clumsy (Alias was particularly horrible with this, there was a lot of Baby Foolishness on Angel), or they have to film her sitting down or from a computer screen (Leverage, Life) and it’s just so annoying because the story and character gets derailed for ZOMG BABIES BABIES BABIES.
Onto the show. Yaaaaaay … *headdesk*
We’re at a place called “Demon’s Run” which looks like a microbe got crossed with a space station. Inside Amy is huggling an admittedly adorable baby girl whom she’s named “Melody Pond.” While I approve of Amy keeping her name when she got married, I feel that the kid’s name should either be hyphenated, have two last names, or have a middle name “Williams” for Rory. It’s only fair. Amy tells Melody that she’s gonna hafta be brave and that the Doctor and Rory are coming soon. Amy also looks very angry at the Eyepatch Woman and the armed soldiers who have Amy and Melody surrounded. Also there are people in hooded black robes off to the side. Cultists? Is Melody going to be sacrificed to Cthulhu and saved at the last minute? If so, I am totally on board for this ZOMG BABIES plotline after all!
We cut to Cybermen, very far away from wherever Amy and Melody and the Eyepatch Bitch are, who are being harassed by Eleven, or at least his screwdriver. (No, not like that. Ew.)
Eyepatch Bitch and her soldiers take Melody away from Amy, who pleads with them to leave her. Of course we cut to a female soldier who looks conflicted about this business, because only women can feel sympathy about mothers and newborns and a woman’s only desire is for BABIES ZOMG BABIES are you seriously telling me that none of the men in the room are unsettled by separating a woman and her newborn baby, just the young!pretty!female solider? Eyepatch Bitch is a woman, she has no problem with this at all.
Amy keeps telling Melody that someone is coming to save them and he’ll find Melody wherever she is, and of course the dialogue is ambiguous because for some reason we need romantic drama. But she’s not talking about Eleven, she’s talking about Rory! “The Last Centurion!” FUCK YEAH! *punches the air*
We cut to Rory, in Centurion garb, storming the Cyberman control room. He’s dramatically lit. He says he has a message from the Doctor and a question from him. “Where. Is. My. Wife?” BADASS! *punches the air* He says if they tell him he’ll be on his way. Then all their ships in the background explode. RAWR! Rory, if you weren’t so devoted to your wife I’d offer to sleep with you out of sheer admiration. (I see their marriage as slightly-open. They’re married, he doesn’t want to be with anybody else but her, but he’s fine with her flirting and sleeping with whomever she takes a fancy to so long as he has some say in the matter. That’s just my personal canon, make your own if you like.)
Two soldiers – SPACE soldiers! Soldiers in space! – discuss the Doctor, how he blew up the Cybermen just now to “prove a point” and how “he once chased the Atraxi off a planet, then called them back for a scolding.” Lol, yeah, that was pretty badass. They spot the Sympathetic Female Soldier sewing on a crate. Sewing. On her break. I’m going to see what else this character does in this episode, and then see if I’m justified in going on a rant about gender stereotypes in the media. The two soldiers try testing each other with two cards, one that’s real and one that’s made of psychic paper. Oooooo, I like where that’s going!
The Robed Cultist-Looking Guys walk down a hallway. (They’re not the droids you’re looking for, I bet.) The soldiers discuss the robed guys, apparently they’re called “Headless Monks” and you’re not supposed to talk to them or try to look under their hoods or they’ll kill you. Yeah, good idea, having people whose faces you’re not allowed to see wander around your high-security military base while you’re expecting a dangerous guy to storm in. DUMBASSES. They meet up with the Sympathetic Female Soldier, whom they recognize as “Lorna Bucket.” She says hi. They introduce themselves:
Thin One: I'm the Thin One, this is my husband, he's the Fat One.
Lorna: Don't you have names?
Fat One: We're the thin, fat, gay, married, Anglican marines. Why would we need names as well?
*snerk* Wait … am I supposed to laugh at that or object to that or what?
The Fat One is led away by the monks for a “conversion tutorial” and because he is funny, gay, happily married, and in the opening sequence, he’s so gonna die. FUCK YOU SHOW. Some confusing dialogue happens. Lorna and the Thin One talk about how Lorna had an “encounter” with the Doctor once when she was a kid and basically it was five seconds where he said “run” a lot. Also she’s from a place that’s “heaven-neutral” or something and oh gods this is gonna be one of those “religion is evil” plots, isn’t it? Pregnancy Plotline, ZOMG BABIES, Sympathetic Female Character, Bury Your Gays, and now Religion Is Evil … things are not looking up for this episode, I’m sorry to admit.
The Fat One is presumably killed by the Headless Monks, or converted, or something. A voice plays that says “It is traditional for visiting armies of other faiths to offer individuals for conversion to our order. You have been selected.” So there is human sacrifice. Just not to Cthulhu. So I’m not interested.
Ooooooo, here’s something interesting! VERY, VERY INTERESTING! Victorian London! A hooded woman sets her katana by the door *SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE* and tells her cute maid to call Scotland Yard because Jack the Ripper has killed his last victim! The Maid “How did you find him?” and the woman takes down her hood, revealing that she’s A Sexy Silurian Lady! She says she found him “Stringy, but tasty all the same. I shan't be needing dinner.” Aaahhahahhahhahaa! Also: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! The Maid says a “matter” has arisen in the drawing room. Unfortunately that is not code for sex. It does however mean that the TARDIS is parked in the drawing room, which is the next best thing to Victorian Sapphism. Detective McAwesomeLizardLady says that this means “a very old debt is to be repaid” and instructs her maid to “pack the cases” and that they’re “going to need the swords” and I dearly hope that the rumor that these two are going to get their own show happens, because I haven’t wanted something this bad since … since … I don’t know.
Then … ok, hold it right there. I see what’s happening here. Clearly the writers or producers had all these cool ideas but either never wrote them into full-length episodes or weren’t allowed to, and so had to cram them all into this confusing and enticing and cock-tease of a clipshow.
Because we get people dressed in Napoleon-era fancy dress firing laserguns on the battlefield, a female president, and a Sontaran as a “nurse” who tells the kid he’s caring for “You'll be up and around in no time! And perhaps one day you and I shall meet on the field of battle, and I will destroy you for the glory of the Sontaran Empire.” LOL! Apparently him being a nurse is a “penance” to “restore the honor of my clone batch” and it’s a horrible thing for a Sontaran to help the “weak and the sick.” Then he sees the TARDIS vworp in and muses “perhaps my penance is over!” and tells a mustache guy “Captain Harcourt, I hope some day to meet you in the glory of battle, when I shall crush the life from your worthless human form.” LOL! I love that guy! I love that setting! Can we please forget about the stupid baby and the stupid pregnancy and the stupid soldiers and the stupid religion and stay with them? And then go back to the Victorian Lesbians?
River dances down the hallway of her prison and calls to the warden, saying she’s “breaking in, not out” and dances over to her cell. She sees Rory in shadow and says “Oh, are you boys dressing up as Romans now? I thought nobody read my memos.” LOL! ILU, River!
River recognizes Rory and looks tearful and happy, Rory is confused. Apparently it’s River’s birthday and the Doctor just took her ice skating on the Thames on “the last of the great frost fairs” in 1814 and Stevie Wonder sang under the bridge. Yes, Stevie Wonder. Don’t ask. Rory says he’s come from the Doctor too, a different one “Unless there's two of them?” and River smiles and says “No, now that’s a different birthday.” …
…
…
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Please tell me it was Ten and Eleven! Dear GOD, let it have been Ten and Eleven! Or … oh, the combinations are numerous as they are delicious! Two versions of Eleven? Two tens? Eight and Nine? Eight and Eleven? *purrs all night*
River checks her diary and knows it’s gonna be Demon’s Run. Also:
River: Why on earth are you wearing that?
Rory: The Doctor's idea.
River: Of course. His rules of engagement: float like a butterfly, sting like a bee …
Rory: … look ridiculous.
River: Have you considered heels?
Lol, I love these two, they should have more scenes together, they’re such wonderful characters together.
River says she can’t be there until “The very end” because today is the day the Doctor finds out who she is. Also, apparently “This is The Battle of Demons Run. The Doctor's darkest hour. He'll rise higher than ever before and then fall so much further.” I really doubt this two-parter is gonna live up to that. I’m sorry, but is this really gonna be worse than, I dunno, the TIME WAR was to him? He spent two regenerations angsting about that!
A large fat blue man is preparing to leave. He’s cornered by Eyepatch Bitch and some soldiers. Fat Blue Man tells us what’s what: the Doctor is calling in his debts, from all over the galaxy, and that’s not good for the Military People. Also, their asteroid base is named “demons run” because of the saying “demons run when a good man goes to war.” Ok, that’s kinda cool. I like that. Fat Blue Man toddles off but the TARDIS shows up and he says “No! Not me! I’m old! I’m fat! I’m blue! You can’t need me!” LOL. I like Fat Blue Man! I like smart, clever, cowardly funny characters.
The Military People hold a rally, cheering about how they’re gonna kill the Doctor. That’s … scary and incredibly stupid.
Lorna tries to give the thing she was sewing to Amy. It’s a “prayer leaf” with melody’s name on it, Lorna’s people believe if you have one your kid will always return to you. Amy says “Can I borrow your gun?” and when Lorna looks shocked and asks why, she says “Cos I've got a feeling you're going to keep talking.” BAHAHAHAHAAA! You go, Amy! I like you! Take that, Lorna!
Amy and Lorna talk about the Doctor, and how they both met him as kids, and how he came back for Amy, Lorna says “you must be very special” and I roll my eyes because no, Amy isn’t a specials snowflake, all companions are “special” in the sense that she’s special, can we move along from the concept of the most-important-girl-in-his-life already? And Amy tells Lorna that it’s worth it to wait for the Doctor and when he arrives Lorna had “better be on the right side,” not for Amy’s sake but for Lorna’s own sake, and Amy takes the prayer leaf and says thanks and Lorna leaves. I don’t know how to feel about this. Patience is all well and good, but so is taking the fucking initiative and rescuing your own damn self. If I had a baby and someone tried to take it away from me without my consent, I wouldn’t just cry and beg, I’d fight tooth and claw and have to be sedated. Then I’d fight once I regained consciousness. Then I’d demand to know what they were gonna do with my kid, and if it was something like “sacrifice him/her to Cthulhu” I’d try to kill my kid so they wouldn’t get to use my kid’s soul to feed Cthulhu or something. While having that heart-to-heart with Lorna, I’d grab her gun and take her hostage, or give her a hug and use that closeness to steal a keycard or something, or smash her head into the table and shoot the guard at my door. SOMETHING. Amy, come on, you’re better than “sit and wait like a damsel in distress,” you are badass, you can rescue your own damn self! You can at least make several attempts! It would not kill the show to make reference to those escape attempts!
Military Guy makes more speeches, and shows the Headless Monks’s … lack of heads. It’s pretty squicky, like something out of Beetlejuice. Except the last monk to be un-hooded is Eleven! SQUEEEEEEEEE! He says “please, point a gun at me if it helps you to relax” and the soldiers do. Except Lorna, who’s smiling. Hee. In a booth somewhere two soldiers find themselves being held at swordpoint by Detective McAwesomeLizardLady and her BadassAdorable Maid. Detective says “Go on, resist. I'm ever so hungry.” Hee hee hee! I like her!
Eleven yells for Amy to “get her coat” and the lights go out. When the lights come up, Eleven taunts the soldiers. The soldiers start firing on the monks, who start fighting back with cool red electrical-light powers. Aligning yourself with people who won’t show their faces is now shown to be a spectacularly stupid plan. Eyepatch Bitch snorts contemptuously and stalks off.
Badass Maid: Clever, isn't he?
Detective: And rather attractive.
Badass Maid: You do realize he's a man, don't you, ma'am?
Detective: Mammals. They all look alike.
Badass Maid: Oh, thank you!
*tied up guard tries to hit an override button*
Detective: Was I being insensitive again, dear? I don't know why you put up with me.
*uses her long tongue to stun the guard*
*Badass Maid and Detective share a flirtatious look that clearly states “That’s why she puts up with you”*
*SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*
Lorna notices a “Monk” using a sonic screwdriver on a door while the General tries to maintain control. He gets everyone to discharge their weapons and stand down. Loran goes after the Doctor. A bunch of SIlurians, Judoon, and even the Sontaran guy show up and surround the soldiers and monks, saying they’re taking over. BADASS. It’s stupid and crazy and pandering but I DON’T CARE.
I think the planes from “Victory of the Daleks” start firing on the ships orbiting Demons Run. I’m going to ignore that, because those were stupid. The station shakes.
Eyepatch Bitch says “I need to get off this station now. Bring me the child!”
More cameos and bantering. Eyepatch Bitch says “The Doctor must think he’s winning right until the trap closes and is left with Melody in an escape ship. Rory holds her at sword-point. She says she’s got a crew, how does he expect to overpower them? BADASS PIRATE CAPTAIN AND HIS SICKLY SON SHOW UP WITH PISTOLS AND HE SAYS THE SHIP IS THEIR FFFFFFFFFFUCK YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *PUNCHES THE AIR AND SQUEES*
I KNOW IT’S GRATUITUOS AND STUPID, I KNOW THAT CAMEOS ARE THE LOWEST FORM OF AWESOME, BUT IT’S SO COOL! TEAMWORK IS AWESOME!
Eleven has the General (ok, he’s a Colonel, my bad) to tell his soldiers to “run away” because he wants the Colonol to be famous for those words and called “Colonel Run Away” and have kids laugh at him in the street and stuff. He gets very angry and up in his face and snarls “And, when people come to you, and ask if trying to get to me through the people I love …!” (Detective McBadassLizardLady hisses in empathetic anger.) “… is in any way a good idea … I want you to tell them your name.” Eleven then calms down a bit and says “Oh, look, I'm angry. That's new.” Then he says, almost apologetic or something, “I'm really not sure what's going to happen now …”
Eyepatch Bitch is led in and says “The anger of a good man is not a problem. Good men have too many rules.” Eleven gets intense and says “Good men don't need rules. Today is not the day to find out why I have so many.” Ooooooooo … *shivers* You do not go up against the Oncoming Storm and torment his companions and expect to come out with any kind of dignity. Eyepatch Bitch tells the Colonel to give the order. Eleven looks pleased, but like he’s still saving something for Eyepatch Bitch.
Rory and Amy and Melody have an adorable reunion. I love it when their marriage is presented honestly and adorably like this. And they hug and kiss and Rory is crying and happy. Eleven shows up and responds like the awkward manchild he is most of the time in this incarnation and says “Ugh, kissing and crying … I'll be back in a bit!” Rory orders Eleven in and Eleven is awkwardly cute at the baby. Then he hugs Amy and apologizes for being so long.
GET IN THE TARDIS NOW! ALL OF YOU! ADORABLE REUNIONS CAN HAPPEN LATER! GET EVERYBODY SAFE IN THE TARDIS AND FAR AWAY!!! RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!
Also, Eleven talks Baby. That’s … adorable.
Detective McAwesomeLizardLady comes in to tell Eleven that the troops are leaving, Demons Run has been taken without a drop of blood spilled (those monks and soldiers who died in the confusion would disagree) and she says “My friend, you have never risen higher.” Rory looks concerned, considering what River said earlier. Later. Whatever.
Melody is crying, apparently she doesn’t like the TARDIS noise. Amy says this while carrying her out of the safety of the TARDIS. GET THE FUCK BACK IN THE TARDIS! TAKE HER TO THE FUCKING ZERO ROOM IF NOISE IS A PROBLEM! JUST STAY SAFE! I DON’T WANT A PLOT OF “WHO’S STOLEN THE BABY THIS TIME” GOING ON FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON!
Did I mention that the Detective’s Badass Maid/Girlfriend is wearing a sexy pair of pants and a vest? *fans self* The Sontaran has apparently gene-spliced himself enough to “produce magnificent quantities of lactic fluid” and excuse me, I’m laughing really hard and I think that guy needs his own show as well. “Dr. Sontaran! Snarkier than Dr. House, because he literally wants to kill every one of his patients!”
Eleven then brings out a Time Lord crib that looks absolutely awesome and they put Melody in it. Rory and Amy look at each other in surprise and Amy asks if Eleven’s ever had kids. *wibbles* Also, Melody apparently thinks Eleven’s hair is fake. Tee hee.
Eleven gets called away, still need to figure out what this base is for and all. GET THE FUCK BACK INTO THE TARDIS! GET THE BABY THEY KIDNAPPED AMY FOR BACK INTO THE TARDIS! PUT ALL THE GUARDS AROUND THE BABY! FLY AWAY!
The whole time Amy was here at the base, she thought she was on the TARDIS. Eleven asks Rory for permission to give Amy a hug. Rory grants that, reminding Eleven jokingly that he’s got a sword. (See? Rory is fine with this so long as he gets a say in the boundaries and her partners … ok, I’ll be quiet now.)
Also, the crib was the Doctor’s. Awwwwwww. (And a million hardcore Whovians who still ascribe to the Looms business cried out in pain and agony.)
The Sontaran Nurse finds and takes Lorna prisoner.
The Detective and the Fat Blue Man and Eleven look at the scans that the Military were doing of Melody. DOWNLOAD IT ONTO A FUCKING FLASHDRIVE AND LEAVE! Melody’s DNA is that of human … and Time Lord. *headdesk*
Lorna insists that this is a trap and they need to leave (THANK YOU!) and that she only joined the army so she could meet he Doctor again. The crowd is dubious.
Lorna: The only reason I joined the Clerics was to meet the Doctor again.
Badass Maid: You wanted to meet him, so you joined an army to fight him?
Lorna: Well, how else do you meet a great warrior?
Amy: He's not a warrior.
Lorna: Then why's he called the Doctor?
Oooooo … oh dear. I think we have confused terminology going on here.
The lights go out. Lorna pleads with them to listen to her. What’s the harm in all piling into the TARDIS and locking the fucking doors again? YOU MORONS! YOU HAD PLENTY OF TIME TO GET TO SAFETY AND GET AWAY! OR AT LEAST GET MOST OF YOU SAFELY BARRICADED IN THE TARDIS! YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELVES!
Detective McAwesomeLizardLady pushes the Doctor for information about Melody and being a Time Lord. She knows an awful lot already. She asks if Melody could even regenerate and Eleven isn’t sure. She tries to be “delicate” in asking when the baby “began” and Fat Blue Man chuckles. Did I mention that I really like Fat Blue Man? Eleven says “Well, how would I know? That's all human-y, private stuff, it just sort of...goes on. They don't put up a balloon, or anything.” They ought to hang a sock on the door or something, to avoid the sort of “whoops, didn’t know you were having sex … can I join?” fanfiction I’m thinking of right now. Detective asks whether the baby could have “begun” while her parents were on the TARDIS, inflight through the Time Vortex (how Time Lords happened) and Eleven says that’s impossible and babbles a recap of last season:
Eleven: It's all running about, sexy fish vampires and blowing up stuff. And Rory wasn't even there at the beginning. Then he was dead, then he didn't exist, then he was plastic. Then I had to reboot the whole universe...long story. So technically the first time they were on the TARDIS together, in this version of reality, was on their...
Detective: On their what?
Eleven: *gulp* On their wedding night.
Well, not every couple has sex on their wedding night, but it seems pretty likely for a couple like Amy and Rory. Personally I’d feel weird doing it on my wedding night in a living spaceship knowing a dude my fiancé had a total crush on since childhood was down the hall and might be able to hear us or watch us on a secret camera … but that’s just me. Also, is this stuff that’s appropriate for kids? They’re getting into sex-ed and I thought people objected to that in tv shows with a large young audience? I’m not complaining, but then again I’m eighteen and was raised very liberal.
You know, if Eleven didn’t project this image of a goofy manchild who says that kissing is icky, right about now they’d be point-blank asking him if he and Amy had sex. Which would be REALLY awkward.
Oh, great, the Headless Monks don’t register on scanners as lifeforms. You should have said that to start with, Lorna! *smacks upside the head* Also, guys, CONTINUE THIS CONVERSATION INSIDE THE TARDIS WITH THE DOORS LOCKED PLEASE!!!
Fat Blue Man says the Military gave up too easily and this is unsettling to his coward-instincts. I love this guy. I don’t know if he could have his own show, but he’d make a fantastic recurring character. Eleven asks why the Military would try to cook up a Time Lord for and Detective says “a weapon” and when Eleven asks why a Time Lord would be a weapon she and Fat Blue Man exchange A Look and she says “Well … they’ve seen you.” Eleven takes his very hard and sits down, because he hasn’t spent this regeneration angsting about the Time War or being The Lonely God so he … kinda forgot about all that. *wibbles* So he hasn’t completely grown and moved on, as such, he was doing a fair bit of repressing in there as well. Poor guy.
Detective says that Fat Blue Man is right, this was too easy, and they should get back to the others.
Eyepatch Bitch comes up on a monitor to talk to the Doctor. She says that Melody is “hope. In this endless, bitter war” against whom? Against the Doctor! Dun dun daa?
The Monks kill some poor Silurians and surround the cast of badass characters, who stupidly did not get into the TARDIS when they had the chance and more than enough reason. The TARDIS is now locked behind a force field. These people are experienced heroes (or just experienced, some tend towards the morally gray, if you know what I mean *Heroes reference*) THEY SHOULD BE GENRE SAVVY AT THIS POINT. At the very least, they should know when to GET INTO THE FUCKING TARDIS AND LOCK THE DOORS. I’m sorry, but I can’t let a plot hole so obvious go, I just CAN’T.
Amy and Melody hide off to the side while everyone else prepares for battle. Rory gives them both kisses before going to help.
Lorna says the Military left plasma pistols behind in these crates and the Sontaran Nurse says “well, find them, BOY” and Detective mutters “She’s definitely a girl” and her Badass Maid/Girlfriend hisses “Oh, stop it!” and they smile.
Fat Blue Man is horribly murdered, and I’m mad because he was one of my favorites.
There’s some epic fighting with lasers and swords and it’s pretty cool but stupid because they ought to be hiding in the TARDIS.
Eyepatch Bitch taunts the Doctor that in time, Melody will be a weapon, and when Eleven says he won and he’s never gonna let her near Melody again she says “Fooling you once was a joy … but fooling you twice, the same way, it's a privilege.” Um … Rani? *tilts head to the side* Is that you, Rani? Doesn’t seem like you …
Eleven realizes the obvious and runs to his friends.
More fighting. Lorna gets shot. The monks sneak up on Sontaran Nurse. River in a voiceover recites a poem about “when a good man goes to war” that is quite haunting. Since we haven’t spent much time with these characters there isn’t much pathos going on, but it’s good enough I suppose. Oh, and then something awful happens: Melody melts into white goo … she was a replica all along. AUUUUUUUUGH!
Rory and the Sontaran Nurse have a great little scene that I love quite a bit. This is what should happen during cameo-fests, cool characters who wouldn’t usually interact, hanging out and finding common ground and talking. I like that a lot. Then the Sontaran Nurse dies. *wibbles* Nooooooo … I liked him a lot! STOP KILLING MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS MOFFAT! YOUR NAME IS NOT JOSS WHEDON! YOU AREN’T ALLOWED TO DO THAT! JOSS WHEDON ISN’T ALLOWED TO DO THAT EITHER, BUT HE DOES ANYWAY!
Badass Maid comforts Amy. Amy is very upset. Eleven goes to hug her and she flinches, and Badass Maid kindly tells her that it’s not his fault.
Detective calls Eleven over to Lorna, telling him that she warned them of the trap. Eleven then has a short, touching scene where he thanks Lorna for helping his friends and she tells him she met him before. “You don’t remember me …” she says and he says “I remember everyone” and touches her face and she cries and then she dies. It’s sweet and a little awkward because he doesn’t really know who she is but he knows she helped his friends and that’s something to honor and now she’d just died. (I teared up for real, not gonna lie.) Eleven, shaken, asks Detective who Lorna was. “I don’t know, but she was very brave,” says the Detective, a little shakily. Eleven, tearful, says “They’re always brave …” *sniffles* He accomplished in two minutes what Ten needed to go completely psychotic to accomplish. (Again, not bashing Ten, Ten had some great moments, but after his explosive emotions and huge dramatic bits, it’s nice to see a more natural, low-key, somber Doctor.)
Then River shows up. Eleven is so mad he growls “Why weren’t you here?!” at her. OUCH. River calls him out on his behavior over the times, how he should be careful because he just got an army to turn around at the mention of his name and on Lorna’s world the word “Doctor” means “Might Warrior” and I’m sorry, but haven’t we already gone through this bullshit with Ten and Nine? Jesus, in the very first episode of New Who we saw this with Nine and the Nestene, when it was freaked out by the TARDIS, when the Racnoss said that the Time Lords “murdered” her people, every time Ten asked people to kill him, etc. The Doctor is always going to be seen differently by people, mostly as a hero, but there’s always another side to the story. Some people will worship him, some people will call him a friend or an ally, some people will love him, and some people will fear him. We do not need another “oh god what have I become” moment from the Doctor. He got a creepy military force who were giving some of their own as human sacrifices to a creepy religion and STOLE A WOMAN’S BABY to turn around. He didn’t murder them all, he got them all to leave with minimal bloodshed. That’s GOOD. That wasn’t bad. Bad would have been blowing them all up or going all Bond Villain on them or something. He just got rid of them without killing them or psychologically torturing them. DO NOT CALL HIM OUT ON THIS. THIS IS NOT A ‘CALL THE DOCTOR OUT ON HIS ACTIONS’ MOMENT. JUST ASK DONNA … OH WAIT YOU CAN’T SHE WAS TOO AWESOME AND YOU HAD TO GIVE HER THE HAITIAN TREATMENT.
Eleven demands to know who River is. He gets very intense about it (FINALLY.) Then she tells him to look closer at the Gallifreyan circles on the crib. Then he grins and her. They smile and giggle and it’s adorable and I know the answer so the surprise is, unfortunately, lost on me.
Eleven bids farewell to the Victorian Lesbians, tells River to get everybody back home, and promises that he’ll get Amy and Rory’s kid home safe. Then he vanishes in the TARDIS.
Amy pulls a gun on River and tells he to tell them what Eleven told her. River hands her the prayer leaf Lorna gave her, which has Melody’s name in “the language of the forest.” Since there isn’t a “pond” in the forest, their word for a body of water is “river.” And, well … “song” … “melody” … geddit? (Since I like wordplay I kinda like this, though it is a bit forced. Most things this season have felt a bit forced, to be honest. *sighs* Ah well. At least we got Victorian Lesbian Detectives out of it!)
River point-blank states “It’s me. I’m Melody. I’m your daughter.” Amy and Rory look shocked and confused.
Next Episode! (Which is titled, ridiculously enough “Let’s Kill Hitler”)
Well, seeing as the promo I found was for the rest of the season (what a horrible cliffhanger to leave people on!) it looks pretty dang awesome and scary. Amy in Wonderland, in armor, skulls, creepy dolls, Eleven saying he’s gonna kiss someone, Hitler thanking them for saving his life (aaaaaaawwwwwkkkkkkkwaaaaard), a minotaur running around a hotel (great, scratch “Creepy Hotel” off the list of Cliché Ccary Things That Moffat Has Mad Even Scarier), Cybermen, a motorcycle, Eleven in tails and a top hat, the Silence (arrrrgh, I just had a nightmare about those fuckers, NOT FUN), the Weeping Angels, River/Melody with a creepy eyepatch like Eyepatch Bitch, lots of smashing glass, the TARDIS crashing through a wall, and … it looks like a Portal Chamber come to life and Portal stuff come to life but I’m not sure.
I have time for one more episode tonight, I think. I have a long shift tomorrow, they offered me the chance to come into work because they need help and I jumped at the chance for more hours. Having stayed up very late this past week and slept until noon or so, this means I need to go to sleep a little earlier at the very least. Time for one more episode though, I hope …
