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aunt_zeldaWhat are you supposed to do when you find out that your Nana has cancer?
I mean ... we've never been very close, I guess. See, my father came out when I was about two, and a large percentage of his family never really accepted him after that, including his mother, my Nana.
When I was a kid we'd visit her, and she'd try and get me interested in quilting and sewing (which never really stuck. I'd get excited about the brightly colored quilting squares, and that was it.) She was, and is, very different from my mother's mother, whom I call 'Grammy.' My Grammy is what I suppose people expect a grandmother to be and did and still does what you expect a grandmother to do. She's always spoiled me (being her only grandkid) and does all those quirky, awesome things that grandmas do. Since I never saw my Nana as much as my Grammy when I was little, calling her 'Nana' instead of 'Grandma' or 'Grammy' was and is very important and a little sad.
In my early teenage years, my dad's relationship with my Nana became very strained indeed. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but she said some rather mean things to him and upset him, and visits to where my dad's family was most concentrated became fewer and farther-between than ever before. They still sent me Christmas presents and sent my dad school pictures of the cousins, and I'd talk to Nana on the phone once and a while but ... it was always kinda awkward. I was upset at her for not accepting my dad, her own SON, and though I didn't hate her per se, I didn't think that much about her. I thought of her as a failure as a mother, for causing such grief in her own son.
And now this.
I ... I feel horribly guilty right now. She has CANCER. I mean, I'm not an idiot, I KNOW that cancer happens, but ... in the back of my mind, it was always something that happened to people you didn't know who lived far away. Still sad and tragic, but not something for me to worry about actively.
It's my Grammy who has Wegner's. It's my Grammy who gets sick and won't stop making sure that everyone ELSE is taken care of. My Nana was always a strong, tall, rock-solid kind of person in my mind. A giant like all other adults, but also a mountain. Until quite recently, both of my great-grandmothers were alive. The one who died last year only quit driving herself to Church a few years ago. The one who's still alive still remembers who we are and who she is and everything, just like the one who died. Because they kept soldiering on and had their sanity and everything, I didn't worry about death and dying. My family was immortal. Embaressing at times, annoying more often then I'd prefer, but immortal all the same. I didn't think they COULDN'T die, I just thought that they WOULDN'T.
Then my great-grandmother died last spring.
And now my Nana has cancer. Cancer that has spread. Cancer that requires chemo and surgery. Cancer that has made the doctors tell her 'it doesn't look good.'
Dad told me to pray for her. My dad isn't religeous.
In 'The Message' (a poingent episode of Firefly) Shepard Book remarks that we all have different reactions to death. Mal and Zoe reminise about the time the kid stole an officer's moustache and stuck it on his own face, Kaylee dwells on the recording, Jayne muses on the fact that he likes to reafirm that he himself isn't dead yet after witnessing a death, etc.
I think that how people react to the idea of death, or the threat of it, without a body there, is less obvious and not something you could show on camera. Most of it takes place inside yourself, before you make a choice to do anything, even if you can't do anything, like poor Buffy when she found out her mom had a tumor and then needed something to fight.
Damn. Now I'm thinking about 'The Body.' I've only seen that episode once. Once was enough.
I hate that feeling of shock, ya know? When you hear some bad news and you feel NOTHING at all. Then the person telling you keeps talking, and as it begins to sink in you start crying. What's almost as bad is when you notice the tears on your cheeks, and it all comes crashing down around you. You cry. Your nose runs. It's not pretty. It still hurts hours later. It never truly goes away.
I don't know if I SHOULD pray. I'm not sure I believe in God, or much of anything at all.
Couldn't hurt, I suppose ...
It's hard to believe that just a few hours ago I was grinning about the posibility of gay marriage in Maine and plotting ways to get the next 'Y: The Last Man' book.
I mean ... we've never been very close, I guess. See, my father came out when I was about two, and a large percentage of his family never really accepted him after that, including his mother, my Nana.
When I was a kid we'd visit her, and she'd try and get me interested in quilting and sewing (which never really stuck. I'd get excited about the brightly colored quilting squares, and that was it.) She was, and is, very different from my mother's mother, whom I call 'Grammy.' My Grammy is what I suppose people expect a grandmother to be and did and still does what you expect a grandmother to do. She's always spoiled me (being her only grandkid) and does all those quirky, awesome things that grandmas do. Since I never saw my Nana as much as my Grammy when I was little, calling her 'Nana' instead of 'Grandma' or 'Grammy' was and is very important and a little sad.
In my early teenage years, my dad's relationship with my Nana became very strained indeed. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but she said some rather mean things to him and upset him, and visits to where my dad's family was most concentrated became fewer and farther-between than ever before. They still sent me Christmas presents and sent my dad school pictures of the cousins, and I'd talk to Nana on the phone once and a while but ... it was always kinda awkward. I was upset at her for not accepting my dad, her own SON, and though I didn't hate her per se, I didn't think that much about her. I thought of her as a failure as a mother, for causing such grief in her own son.
And now this.
I ... I feel horribly guilty right now. She has CANCER. I mean, I'm not an idiot, I KNOW that cancer happens, but ... in the back of my mind, it was always something that happened to people you didn't know who lived far away. Still sad and tragic, but not something for me to worry about actively.
It's my Grammy who has Wegner's. It's my Grammy who gets sick and won't stop making sure that everyone ELSE is taken care of. My Nana was always a strong, tall, rock-solid kind of person in my mind. A giant like all other adults, but also a mountain. Until quite recently, both of my great-grandmothers were alive. The one who died last year only quit driving herself to Church a few years ago. The one who's still alive still remembers who we are and who she is and everything, just like the one who died. Because they kept soldiering on and had their sanity and everything, I didn't worry about death and dying. My family was immortal. Embaressing at times, annoying more often then I'd prefer, but immortal all the same. I didn't think they COULDN'T die, I just thought that they WOULDN'T.
Then my great-grandmother died last spring.
And now my Nana has cancer. Cancer that has spread. Cancer that requires chemo and surgery. Cancer that has made the doctors tell her 'it doesn't look good.'
Dad told me to pray for her. My dad isn't religeous.
In 'The Message' (a poingent episode of Firefly) Shepard Book remarks that we all have different reactions to death. Mal and Zoe reminise about the time the kid stole an officer's moustache and stuck it on his own face, Kaylee dwells on the recording, Jayne muses on the fact that he likes to reafirm that he himself isn't dead yet after witnessing a death, etc.
I think that how people react to the idea of death, or the threat of it, without a body there, is less obvious and not something you could show on camera. Most of it takes place inside yourself, before you make a choice to do anything, even if you can't do anything, like poor Buffy when she found out her mom had a tumor and then needed something to fight.
Damn. Now I'm thinking about 'The Body.' I've only seen that episode once. Once was enough.
I hate that feeling of shock, ya know? When you hear some bad news and you feel NOTHING at all. Then the person telling you keeps talking, and as it begins to sink in you start crying. What's almost as bad is when you notice the tears on your cheeks, and it all comes crashing down around you. You cry. Your nose runs. It's not pretty. It still hurts hours later. It never truly goes away.
I don't know if I SHOULD pray. I'm not sure I believe in God, or much of anything at all.
Couldn't hurt, I suppose ...
It's hard to believe that just a few hours ago I was grinning about the posibility of gay marriage in Maine and plotting ways to get the next 'Y: The Last Man' book.
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no subject
Date: 2009-01-17 08:40 pm (UTC)I don't know what I possibly could say to make any of this feel better or even marginaly not as bad. I could say you'll get through this, or support each other but you already know those things. It's the doing it part that is hard. My support goes to you and your family (and yes 'The Body' is a hard episode and all too realistic).
no subject
Date: 2009-01-17 10:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-17 11:02 pm (UTC)It's hard, learning that a family member has cancer. The best thing you can do is try to get through it as a family and just be there for each other.
You have my ♥ and support.
no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 12:08 am (UTC)*hugs* I'm really sorry though.
no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 06:23 am (UTC)I know it takes time to sink in, and that's almost worse. I know you have issues with your Nana, but now might be the time to reconcile with her. If you're close with the rest of your family, they'll help you get through this. Be there for your dad, and let him be there for you. And when you can't crawl, you find someone to carry you.
You'll get through this.
no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 04:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-19 12:38 am (UTC)I don't think it would hurt to pray. I'm not sure about God either, but I don't think it would hurt to pray. Just because you may not believe, doesn't mean someone isn't listening, whether that be God or anyone else.
<333333333333 *super hugs*
no subject
Date: 2009-03-09 08:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-09 09:23 pm (UTC)Awwww, hugs are always good, especially for occasions such as this *hugs you back*