aunt_zelda (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
aunt_zelda) wrote2014-01-13 11:50 am
aunt_zelda) wrote2014-01-13 11:50 am
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Anyone wanna help with my weird Azog/Fem!Thorin marriage fic issues?
Here at my tumblr for easier sharing. Here at LJ for easier discussion.
Like I need a solid reason for fem!Thorin to agree to marry Azog after they take down Smaug together.
… ok, let me explain.
Wanted to write fluffy marriage fic between fem!Thorin and Azog (because I didn’t wanna do mpreg and the idea of female dwarves with beards makes me so ridiculously happy that in this fic Thorin is female and she’s gonna have babies with Azog ok shut up I know it’s weird.)
So I started thinking up ideas. Thorin and Company are captured by the Goblins, yes? Azog is nearby, and shows up, and is like “well this is nice but how about we make this interesting, you all get an hour’s head start and then I run you down? Also here are your weapons. Looking forward to killing you, Durin’s Daughter.” And Thorin accepts because what choice does she have?
So they run, and then they fight, and it’s epic, and I haven’t written that bit yet but trust me it’ll be epic. And Azog has Thorin pinned down and is like “So where are you going?” and Thorin tells him about the Mountain and Azog’s like “Yeah, thought so, we’ve read the signs too” and offers a team-up since Thorin and Co can’t take down a motherfucking dragon on their own, they need an army … like, an army of orcs? (Ok when I say ‘army’ I mean like 40 orcs tops. Maybe 50. Orcs are gonna be severely depleted in this verse, because what if the Dark Lord is never coming back and the orcs want a proper home so they can settle and raise whelps and stuff? And Erebor is plenty big.) Thorin wants to refuse but her choices are: die right now, or have a fighting chance at taking back her homeland and all the orcs getting incinerated by Smaug in the process. So she accepts.
Cue epic (and severely shortened) road trip with the dwarves and the orcs not trusting each other and also the obligatory “whoops caught you bathing” scene because why not, cliches are fun.
They get to the mountain. Smaug is old as balls and more manageable to kill but still a DRAGON so it takes a lot and it’s an epic fight and I haven’t written this bit yet but Thorin and Azog take Smaug down and they are drenched in blood and Azog looks at Thorin and thinks she’s the hottest thing ever with blood dripping down her beard, like seriously whoa, he wants to make whelps with her right now ok, on top of this pile of gold and dragon guts.
And Azog is like, “hey, time for my rewards?” and Thorin is like “… ok” and Azog is like “I ask three things 1) gold for my orcs 2) sanctuary for all orcs in these halls since we y’know helped liberate it from a fucking dragon and 3) marry me so we can cement this alliance.”
Now here is my issue. For the fic to work I need Thorin to say yes.
WHY DOES SHE SAY “YES.”
Acceptable answers are not “because Azog is hot lol” yes he is hot but Thorin is still pretty proud and kind of a dick and yeah they just killed a dragon and had a road trip but she isn’t gonna jump in bed with him now, they need more character development with each other. Another unacceptable answer is “because Thorin has this arranged marriage with an evil OC Sexist Creep and she wants to avoid it” because that’s just lazy, ok, not doing that. Thorin would marry that OC and cut his dick off and wear it as a necklace and you know it. Another unacceptable answer is “to make Bilbo jealous” because … no just no.
I just … I need a reason. I need HELP. Please help? Anyone? Please?
Later on they get married and there’s even more issues like size issues and am I being offensive by giving Azog a spiffy golden prosthetic arm and also pregnancy concerns and discussions of how creepy orcs find elves because they’re all smooth and they look like babies and orcs are so creeped out by elves ok and yeah I need help with this.
Like I need a solid reason for fem!Thorin to agree to marry Azog after they take down Smaug together.
… ok, let me explain.
Wanted to write fluffy marriage fic between fem!Thorin and Azog (because I didn’t wanna do mpreg and the idea of female dwarves with beards makes me so ridiculously happy that in this fic Thorin is female and she’s gonna have babies with Azog ok shut up I know it’s weird.)
So I started thinking up ideas. Thorin and Company are captured by the Goblins, yes? Azog is nearby, and shows up, and is like “well this is nice but how about we make this interesting, you all get an hour’s head start and then I run you down? Also here are your weapons. Looking forward to killing you, Durin’s Daughter.” And Thorin accepts because what choice does she have?
So they run, and then they fight, and it’s epic, and I haven’t written that bit yet but trust me it’ll be epic. And Azog has Thorin pinned down and is like “So where are you going?” and Thorin tells him about the Mountain and Azog’s like “Yeah, thought so, we’ve read the signs too” and offers a team-up since Thorin and Co can’t take down a motherfucking dragon on their own, they need an army … like, an army of orcs? (Ok when I say ‘army’ I mean like 40 orcs tops. Maybe 50. Orcs are gonna be severely depleted in this verse, because what if the Dark Lord is never coming back and the orcs want a proper home so they can settle and raise whelps and stuff? And Erebor is plenty big.) Thorin wants to refuse but her choices are: die right now, or have a fighting chance at taking back her homeland and all the orcs getting incinerated by Smaug in the process. So she accepts.
Cue epic (and severely shortened) road trip with the dwarves and the orcs not trusting each other and also the obligatory “whoops caught you bathing” scene because why not, cliches are fun.
They get to the mountain. Smaug is old as balls and more manageable to kill but still a DRAGON so it takes a lot and it’s an epic fight and I haven’t written this bit yet but Thorin and Azog take Smaug down and they are drenched in blood and Azog looks at Thorin and thinks she’s the hottest thing ever with blood dripping down her beard, like seriously whoa, he wants to make whelps with her right now ok, on top of this pile of gold and dragon guts.
And Azog is like, “hey, time for my rewards?” and Thorin is like “… ok” and Azog is like “I ask three things 1) gold for my orcs 2) sanctuary for all orcs in these halls since we y’know helped liberate it from a fucking dragon and 3) marry me so we can cement this alliance.”
Now here is my issue. For the fic to work I need Thorin to say yes.
WHY DOES SHE SAY “YES.”
Acceptable answers are not “because Azog is hot lol” yes he is hot but Thorin is still pretty proud and kind of a dick and yeah they just killed a dragon and had a road trip but she isn’t gonna jump in bed with him now, they need more character development with each other. Another unacceptable answer is “because Thorin has this arranged marriage with an evil OC Sexist Creep and she wants to avoid it” because that’s just lazy, ok, not doing that. Thorin would marry that OC and cut his dick off and wear it as a necklace and you know it. Another unacceptable answer is “to make Bilbo jealous” because … no just no.
I just … I need a reason. I need HELP. Please help? Anyone? Please?
Later on they get married and there’s even more issues like size issues and am I being offensive by giving Azog a spiffy golden prosthetic arm and also pregnancy concerns and discussions of how creepy orcs find elves because they’re all smooth and they look like babies and orcs are so creeped out by elves ok and yeah I need help with this.