aunt_zelda: (Default)
I’ve been reflecting on where I was at last year, to where I am now.

Last year I wan't in a good place. I was lonely and stressed, isolated as hell. I'd had a shitty year. I didn't even tell my coworkers it was my birthday at an all day meeting. I got home, my roommate had gotten me a cake, and I cried. Then we watched Stranger Things all night and it turned out much better for a birthday. But last year wasn't so good for me. I wasn’t writing, I was stressed a lot, I was worried for my family and worried about living up to their expectations. I was volunteering just to get out of the house, mostly just talking to malnourished kittens and not other humans. I was doubting myself as a roommate, a friend, a worker, a writer, a person.

This year? I'm in 3 D&D groups, I meet up with friends for board games every weekend, and I have so many friends sometimes we exceed the limits of our board games. I got really into Critical Role and that’s brought me to even more friends. I've had two awesome new roommates, one who was sad about moving out to be closer to her job, one who currently lives with me and my long time roommate. I'm full time at my job and working on not being so stressed. I have the tattoo I wanted for six years. I'm going goth. I'm networking. I got a classmate a job. These are all huge and important things.

There’s still stuff I want to change about my life, I’m still stressed at times, I still have doubts. But where I'm at right now? Is so much better than where I was last year. Last year I felt like a mess, I was incredibly lonely, and I was being crushed under the weight of stress about my job. This year, I have a lot to be proud of, a lot to be happy about, and the drive to move forward and pursue the things I want.

I want to save money. I want to get a new used car in a year if that’s necessary, or paint my current car if it keeps running. I want more tattoos. I want to keep going goth. I want to move into a bigger apartment and get a cat. I want to exercise regularly. Most of all I want to be writing scripts again.

A lot can, and has, changed in a year. If we’ve talked at all here, you’ve been a part of that, small or large. Thank you all.
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Pics on twitter and tumblr

Six years ago I attended the North American Discworld Convention. It was my very first convention and I was nervous but excited, a wide-eyed recent high school grad. I met osheamobile face to face, and a nicer person you couldn’t hope to meet. That weekend had one of the best times of my life, meeting fellow fans and dressing up and running a game show monitor and even meeting Terry Pratchett himself, if only for a moment to get an autograph. I never wanted that weekend to end. I knew afterwards that if I ever got a tattoo, it’d be something to do with an owl and an ankh.

Two years ago I was mourning Terry Pratchett’s death, and commissioned ruairidhohboy on tumblr for a sketch. I couldn’t afford the tattoo I wanted, but I wanted something to have. The sketch became my desktop background from then on.

Today, credit to Zack Taylor at Evermore Tattoo for inking this onto me. I was nervous and he put me at ease and did a fantastic job. I’m not at all tough, but I didn’t cry once. (Honestly, the HPV vaccine hurt WAY more than getting my tattoo!) I was shocked at how it wasn’t nearly as painful as I’d been fearing. It wasn’t pleasant, but I managed it just fine. The closest comparison I can make is getting scraped by rough tree bark while climbing a tree. Not nice, but not horrific. I’m going back in a few weeks for some shading (and making that lower right segment black.)

I’m so happy to finally have this! It’s been a long time coming.

aunt_zelda: (Default)
Got to watch O Brother Where Art Thou with my roommates tonight, the one who's moving out hadn't seen it before.

I also gifted her with Monstrous Regiment and she seemed really touched.

She said she wishes she could take me and our other roommate with her when she moves DDDDD:

I'm gonna miss her. Thankfully she'll be staying in touch, but still, I'll miss her. 
aunt_zelda: (Default)
I kinda wanna play as myself as a kid now in an RPG. (Just like, not as personally intense and upsetting as last night’s was, or as gory and horrific.)

I realized that my stats woulda been really weird compared to who I am now. 

Like, in middle school:

  • I lived in the deep woods (ranger/druid)
  • I regularly went hiking up mountains for classes (ranger/druid, athletics bonus)
  • I was fresh off several years of summer camps where I learned all kinds of outdoor skills (survival bonus)
  • I routinely harvested and planted in big gardens for farmstands (nature bonus, identify plants)
  • I was a massive nerd who read all the time, had a giant stack of books by my bed always, and lugged books with me everywhere (intelligence)
  • I was pretty shy, and didn’t have many close friends (low charisma)
  • I had an amazing memory and remembered like, dozens and dozens of elaborate camp songs, and Shakespeare text, no fear in performing (bard/high intelligence)
  • I carried wooden stakes in my backpack (wooden stakes, 1d4 piercing)
  • All my classmates carried knives (simple weapons proficiency)
  • I climbed trees and ate my lunch up there, with a bunch of other kids at my school, this was normal (druid/ranger, athletics bonus)

I’d have been a Druid or a Ranger if we’re using D&D terms, or maybe a Bard if I’d followed that performative streak. I was a mostly shy nerd who wanted to stay the fuck inside and read but kept getting dragged out up mountains and into the woods by my teachers, who learned I would complain, a lot, about this whole process. 

aunt_zelda: (Default)
So after not meeting up for a while, we finally got our group together, mostly. Got to introduce a new character. 

Fun fight and lots of laughs, very exciting ... and then all of the sudden the DM dumped a truckload of angst onto my character. It was so intense I almost started crying, I was so into it. It was GREAT! : DDDDDDD

Just, such great personal conflict now, for my character. She might get disowned by her crime family. Is she gonna be a hero now? Should she arrest her whole family? What would Batman do? Hell, what WILL Batman do? She's still really scared of him. 

I just had such a fantastic night with friends! 


Apr. 21st, 2017 11:58 am
aunt_zelda: (Default)
My fanfic reading habits: include a lot more asexual characters

My goodreads list: fills up with books about ace characters

My mind: starts headcanoning my favorite characters as ace

My friends: increasingly identifying as ace

Several articles and interviews: seem to explain a lot of things that I thought weren’t explainable

Ten online quizzes: glare at me meaningfully

Two of my favorite vloggers, whom I’ve been watching since high school: come out as ace

Me: I’m sure none of these things are signs
aunt_zelda: (Default)
 So after YEARS, I'm finally in a tabletop group again! I'm so excited! 

It's great. It's so great. Sadly one of our friends had to drop out at the last minute so it's three of us and the GM, but that's fine. One of the group has never done tabletop gaming before at all, so she's very confused about how it all works, but that makes it even more interesting because she keeps making choices the three of us who've got a lot of experience would never consider trying. Sometimes these choices work, sometimes they don't, but it's always interesting. 

I got really into the RP stuff. I'm enjoying my character a lot, getting to know her, play around with her morality, etc. She discovered new powers and got into a couple cool fights, and got the first "How Do You Want To Do This?" I'm so happy! I got to punch out Bane, Shoryuken style!

The other players have made "are you a werewolf?" a running gag, after a moment of confusion where I said didn't want to be outside at night. 

I'm so happy and I cannot wait to keep going. It feels good to be in a campaign again. 
aunt_zelda: (Default)
 Note to self: start importing personal entries from tumblr to here, to back them up. Especially thoughts on various shows and movies. 
aunt_zelda: (Default)
Look I like Christmas. But I like it when confined to its month, December. If it starts too soon, I don’t feel as much joy about it. I get tired. The songs wear thin. I get stressed. All the things I don’t like about Christmas pile up. I gotta be careful with that joy and make sure it lasts the whole month long. Stretching it out endangers that.

November is not Christmas.

November is post-Halloween recovery month. November is a time when the colors fade, the seasons shift, people get extremely busy at work and school, and the looming sense of winter (and ~The Holidays~ ominously approaching) hovers over our heads like the Sword of Damocles. Stuff is still spooky, but now with an eerie and mournful tone. Halloween is bright and cheerful, and has the energy of a harvest festival, a celebration. November is when you realize you have to ration your emotions and food for the winter months.

November pretty much ends, in America, with Thanksgiving. A coming together of family and friends for food and comfort, for symbols of togetherness and bonding. A holiday of circling together in a group for warmth, food, and reassurance that yes, we are together, and yes, we are grateful for each other, and yes, we can make it through this winter together. This is, I think, no accident, that it has endured as such for so many years.

November is not Christmas.

At least, it’s not for me. If October and Halloween are a bright neon orange tree to me, November is a tree with withering leaves falling one by one. October and Halloween are the dancing skeleton, November is the half-buried skeleton you find in a field.

November is not Christmas.
aunt_zelda: (Default)
So the other night, after a long work week and feeling super tired, my roommate drove me over to our friend's place and we had a Halloween marathon. Pizza, beer I actually liked, snacks, and a great selection of movies. It was a fantastic, low-key, great evening with friends. 

We started off with The Monster Squad, which I'd never seen before. Was kinda shocking seeing little kids swear like that in an older movie. I did love the effects and the actors. Some of the jokes were good, some haven't aged well. "Scary German Guy" was probably my favorite. I cried when poor Franky got sucked into the portal, because that's the kind of person I am. Dracula was just too cool, with his car and his swagger and his long take of beating up all those cops without any effort. It does bug me again though that here's yet another big bad monster man who goes for unwilling ladies instead of the hordes of willing women (or men) who'd be up for fooling around with a hot sophisticated vampire. Just once I want a vampire or a monster who like, goes to a Goth club or a comic con and picks up some enthusiastic partners. (Hang on ... I should take some notes ...)

Next we watched The Guest, one of my all time favorites. My friend hadn't seen it before and said she wanted to watch something "fucked up and super scary" so we put on The Guest. She was super freaked out and loved it. I loved watching her watch it for the first time. At the end, she was like "oh god, that just sunk in. Fuck that ending! Fuck that ending!" while grinning. I told her she should tweet that to Adam Wingard. Fantastic Halloween movie.

Then we watched the Twilight Zone episode, "The Masks." A little interlude between The Guest and our final film of the evening. It went where I was suspecting it would go, but still, can't beat classic Twilight Zone. My roommate suggested it because of the masks theme, and because it's the only Twilight Zone directed by a woman. He made a good choice.

We finished the evening with The Crow, which my friend and I hadn't seen and my roommate had. I'd been meaning to see it for years and I finally finally saw it. I actually really liked it and I'm glad I saw it at last. Yes, some of it hasn't aged well, and some of it wasn't the best, but considering the tragic death of the lead, I'm willing to forgive them for some of the pacing and editing issues, because it's likely they were working with what footage they had and not being able to do reshoots. It's always awkward when I see a classic movie and it doesn't resonate with me, and thankfully that wasn't the case here at all.

Mostly what I felt, besides surprise and relief that here's this classic movie I actually enjoyed quite a bit, was sadness about the tragic death of Brandon Lee. This guy was talented as hell and brought a lot of complexity to the role that I was expecting to be this like, dour angsty mess. I cried at this movie. There were real genuine moments of pathos in here. I felt for this guy a lot. Yes he goes around being a violent vengeance machine, and he's scary when he does that, but then he cries about lost love and treasuring what you have in life, and it works. He's also got this like ... impish quality to him in some of the scenes, like that bit where he skips to the side with his hands up or dangles from the ceiling. He's ... playful. I was expecting the angsty 90s Goth stereotype, and while I did get some of that, I also got the playfulness of a real life crow bird. I wasn't expecting that. I'm so happy that was there. And I'm so sad that he died. He would have had a great career ahead of him. Honestly, I couldn't help but look at his performance and think "... he could have played the Joker." And then I started thinking "... he could have played Deadpool!" because he had that playfulness to him as well as the hardcore badassery, he had that balance. If they'd made a Deadpool movie in the late 90s, if he'd been alive for it, you know he'd have been among those they auditioned. Really, this just makes me very sad.

Eric's scenes with little Sarah were very poignant. They humanized him in the perfect way. I think a lot of modern writers and directors need to look at this film and how they did this, because a lot of modern angsty heroic men miss out on that human element. It's necessary. You gotta do it right, it's tough, but you gotta do it. 

Ernie Hudson's character was great. I really enjoyed his scenes with Eric. You wanna compare them to Batman and Gordon but that's not entirely accurate. They're something different, but something just as good. 

The villains were, well, they were bad guys. We knew they were bad because they started off doing the most atrocious thing and spend the rest of the movie laughing about it. Sometimes that's all you need for a movie, and seeing as we had to be behind the leading man killing them off one by one in poetic ways, I suppose that's all we needed. It's not my favorite plot device, but I do love me a good revenge story. 

The big bad, it was bugging me so much that I knew his voice but not his face. Turns out he voiced an iconic villain from my childhood, Scroop, from Treasure Planet. I find that hilarious. He basically spent this movie prancing around doing everything for aesthetic reasons, including having a cabinet of swords. I think half the Vampire: The Masquerade cliches are a result of him alone, and that's just beautiful. 
I wanted to know more about the evil lady. Villainous couples who love each other very much and love being evil to other people are one of my favorite tropes. So it was nice to see her like, lounging around and doing weird stuff with eyeballs and him never being cruel to her. They were awful to other people, but not each other. 

I'm also happy the cat didn't die. 

There's something about the way the flashbacks were edited that ended up implying something I don't think they intended to imply. Since the flashbacks to what happened to Shelly are shown so much, and from Eric's POV, it seems to imply that the bad guys raped him too. I know they probably didn't intend that, but that's what it looked like in the film. There's probably an essay to be written about traditional and non-traditional masculinity in this movie. 

Relevant note, my roommate is from Detroit. He loves it when films are set in Detroit. I had never heard of Devil's Night before, which he had to explain to me, as it's a big premise of this film. It sounds horrifying. 

Hopefully my roommates and I will watch more movies this weekend. I'm busy with work and so are they, but we're trying to watch more this weekend too. 

aunt_zelda: (Default)
A meeting with my boss I was super stress about turned into a “my goal is to have you hired full time by the end of the year” meeting.

So that’s a year’s worth of work and stress and panic attacks and anxiety and improvement and projects ... all worth it. After a year of working, I’m close to full-time, at an industry job I really enjoy, which I’m incredibly lucky and fortunate to have.

AND I just got my Yuletide assignment and it’s one of the ones I REALLY hoped I’d get matched on.

Like I’ve spent the last week looking through people’s letters and the fandoms I offered and reading the prompts and ideas and omg omg omg I AM SO EXCITED! : DDDDDDD


Jun. 22nd, 2016 09:52 pm
aunt_zelda: (Default)
Being a recent college grad is so strange.

Sometimes I have the cynicism of a 35 yr old.

Sometimes I legit forget I'm not 16 anymore.

I've been out of college for over a year now, and it still feels weird. I spent most of the first 21 years of my life in some form of education or another, in schedules not set by myself mostly. 

I forget sometimes I'm not a child anymore. Sometimes I FEEL like a child, usually around large crowds of older adults. I try to be an adult and feel like a fraud. It's so weird. 
aunt_zelda: (Default)
So my mom called me this morning. We talked about other things, but the conversation turned to Orlando. We'd both been very worried yesterday morning because, see, my dad lives in Florida now. Not in Orlando, but close. Even though I knew he didn't go clubbing anymore, because of the alcohol and his age, I was afraid yesterday. I was afraid for him, for his new boyfriend I haven't met yet, for their friends. They're fine, they were nowhere near Orlando, but still, there was that awful moment where I didn't know. So many people had that moment where they didn't know about their loved ones, and too many people had moments where they did know.

I am sick of these moments. I was in Boston during the Marathon bombings, I had friends at the finish line watching the race. A bunch of girls from my college were hit by falling glass and went to the hospital. One of my best friends was in the subway when it happened and we couldn't get in touch with him for a while. I am sick of these moments. 

My mom heard on the radio this morning about the mother of one of the victims, who'd been texting him that night, and right before he was murdered. And my mom started crying and telling me she loves me.

I don't think my mom has ever been afraid for me before because of my sexuality. She's been afraid for me because I'm a woman, I went to college, I went to college in a big city, I walked at night, I rode the subway, I drove myself cross-country twice alone, and now I live in LA and go a lot of places alone. She's afraid for me a lot. But I don't think she's ever been afraid for me because I'm bi. I think it's easy for her to forget I am, because I've only had two relationships so far and both have been with men, and I don't go to bars.

I hate that this has made her fear for me in a whole new way. I hate this. I'm sick of these moments and I'm sick of being afraid. I'm sick of this never changing, no matter if it's kids or people in a church or college students or people in a movie theater, I'm sick of this never changing. 
aunt_zelda: (Default)
So first my roommate reading out an article from a bitter Hillary supporter full of inaccuracies, and then dramatically reading out the rebuttal comments - many of which were from grandpas - in accents and describing their profile pictures to me in such a way that we were both laughing so hard we were on the floor (it was so funny omg, hopefully she will record that later this week.) Highlights include people with photos of dogs or flowers as their profile pics, grandpas with guitars, an old man dressed in Revolutionary Era garb, a shirtless man, and a man "who is so old, his photo is sepia with him and his son." They used words like "claptrap" and "craven" and "meander round" and "drivel" and it was amazing. Old outraged sass is the best thing in the world. Reading the responses from people who'd been campaigning against the establishment for 30+ years was frankly inspiring.

Then we went to my other roommate's room to tell HIM about that, and laughing about some of the more lurid comments turned into talking politics. That lead to speculation about the ethical dilemma of stopping dangerous presidents from becoming president, and the ethics of time travel to prevent crimes, Minority Report esque prevention of crimes, etc. That lead to discussions of time travel and if we could go back and change X thing from time would we/should we, that spiraled from stopping monstrosities to changing world events, what if scenarios.

Then we started talking about what if we hadn't entered WWI, and then how things would have changed there.

Things got VERY INTENSE. We spiraled out talking about what wouldn't have happened had we not entered WWI, and all the myriad of global changes resulting from that. Entering WWII late. Us never developing or dropping the bomb. Women's independence not being achieved as soon. The UN not being called that or involving us at all. Us not being named a world protector. Us joining the third world coalition. Us distrusting Canada severely due to its links to England. England dropping the bomb. Us forming closer ties with Central and South America. Us de-segregating faster, but getting women's rights slower. Puerto Rico becoming the 51st state. Guam possibly becoming the 52nd state. I really wish we'd recorded this or taken notes, because it was truly fascinating.  

Then this spiraled into a hypothetical "window of time" into what we'd wanna see, and history mysteries we'd like to have resolved once and for all. 
aunt_zelda: (GarlicIsTheAnswer)

  • My job

  • My relationship

  • My friendships

  • My housing arrangements

  • My fanfic obligations and by extension my close fandom friendships of many years

And I have an 8.5 hour shift tomorrow at work.

Once I get home tomorrow night I’m gonna watch Man from UNCLE and turn off all social media. There might be whiskey involved. There will certainly be ice cream involved. I will be ok, but right now I am not ok.


Sep. 20th, 2015 12:54 pm
aunt_zelda: (GarlicIsTheAnswer)

So I’ve only had two boyfriends thus far, and a ton of crushes on people. For both boyfriends, it was the same pattern: I hung out with the guy for a while, everyone else thought we were secretly dating but neglected to tell me about that, and once the guy and I officially started dating people were surprised we hadn’t been dating already.

So like, why my friends have thought I am the sort of person who secretly dates someone is beyond me, but whatever.

Now I’m worried about how to combat this in the future. Like, should I just be paranoid about everyone I’m friends with, because if I hang out with them long enough people will assume we’re dating, and eventually we will be dating? How can I tell? Auuuugh.


Jul. 8th, 2015 09:01 pm
aunt_zelda: (GarlicIsTheAnswer)

Got into Weregeek in high school. I think it was in the wake of ending my archive binge of Narbonic, and browsing tvtropes for recommendations. I followed Weregeek loyally for years. Fell behind for a month or so and then caught up again in early 2014.

Then that “reveal” happened.

I’m still disappointed about that. Like, seriously, whaaaa? Years following that strip and that was the reward for the fans? Like, ok, the artist wasn’t interested in continuing with that plotline. But there were a million different ways to handle ending a tangled plot, and instead what we got was, essentially, It Was All A Dream. The Myth Arc and cool urban fantasy concept that made it unique was All A Dream. Rendering it just another Slice of Life series about geeks. Material which I was already getting from a ton of vloggers at the time, and started just getting just from the vloggers after that.

I haven’t gone back to Weregeek since and I really miss it. Those characters helped me through bad days, tough times in high school and early college. I bought fanart during the holiday specials for me and my boyfriend. I connected with so many of the characters. I wanted to see them in happy relationships. I wanted Sarah to stop crushing on that goofus Mark and hook up with Abbie or Joel or just be happy being single.

I’m still really disappointed about that. More than a year later that still stings me. That webcomic was a big part of my life for a long time, and then it just ... wasn’t anymore.

Road Trip!

May. 24th, 2015 09:02 pm
aunt_zelda: (GarlicIsTheAnswer)
About to leave on another cross-country road trip! So excited! Been waiting for this ever since I got back from the last one in December.
I'll post pictures when I can. Internet usage will be sporadic for the next week or so.
aunt_zelda: (GarlicIsTheAnswer)
Her name is [ profile] teenybuffalo and she is wonderful. I’m moving cross country away from her because I’m graduating and I’m crying now so I wanna ramble.

Posted to my tumblr because there are photos I don't wanna upload again to a different social network site.

~linky link~
aunt_zelda: (GarlicIsTheAnswer)
My access to the internet will be sporadic these next few days. I’m fine, I’m crashing with a friend who has no internet while I apartment hunt cross country. She does live near a library though, I will sneak in there and leech the WiFi if possible.


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